Forgiveness & discretion

When someone ignores something, and they do it consciously with full knowledge and deliberation, that’s when we have a choice about whether we choose to forgive.

Because we have a choice to change our decisions and make a different choice, our decisions then become a whole new story and forgiveness is no longer justified. The deed is also no longer an open and shut case, particularly when the person making the decision knows there will be consequences.

So when it takes someone 47 years to come to know about a diagnosis and then hear the words ‘I didn’t want to know’ but thought they may have got compassion and understanding, then it brings a whole new meaning into the equation because it’s clear their life was never going to be any different to the one they got.

Because each deed is considered separate, forgiveness is subjective and is totally at our discretion, it becomes even more important we understand why we come to our decision and let go of the anger and bitterness.


23 Jul, 2018

6 thoughts on “Forgiveness & discretion

  1. It is nearly impossible to forgive people like my parents, when they knowingly chose to ignore my problems because they didn’t want to know, as in your case too.

    Even worse is when they pretty much force you to ignore the herd of elephants in the living room and always act like nothing is wrong.

    People act like we’re supposed to forgive them and let it go, but they weren’t the ones who went through what we did. We may often wonder what our life could have been like had they addressed the issues which would have been great, but just never happened.

    I have wasted most of my life trying to let it go, but it has only fueled the fire of my rage even more, because I was fighting a part of myself that didn’t want to let go.

    In reality, the hardest one I haven’t been able to forgive is myself, seeing as I made a lot of choices in my life trying to do the right thing for everyone else, like marrying my daughter’s mother, when she got pregnant.

    That didn’t work out well because I didn’t have a lot of the life skills needed to function, which I was too ashamed to admit. I knew I needed help but didn’t want to break the code of silence and it ended up costing me everything I held dear.

    I haven’t been able to forgive myself for only being human, which is what I need to focus on; rather than people like my parents who couldn’t comprehend what kind of damage they had caused.

    I wasted so much time holding my breath waiting for any kind of apology from them, but now it’s never going to happen and I need to make the best of what time I have left.

    1. Thanks Randy, I’m hearing you and can resonate with how you feel.

      I know from having confronted one of my parents over my Cerebral Palsy non-diagnosis I didn’t get the response I thought I was going to get, so you not confronting your parents, may have just been a stroke of luck for you.

      The response I got wasn’t the response I was hoping for and made me feel ten times worse. Even though we want answers, sometimes it’s better not knowing. The response I got could have set me back.

      Knowing what you’ve told us about your parents, your mother particularly, I really do think you’re better off not knowing. In a way you not knowing why, has protected you.

      I’ve been exposed to the side of the truth I didn’t feel ready for then, but when I look back now, I’m okay with. Through my blogs, I find understanding and that allows me to heal.

      I think it’s important you take time for yourself to heal, because when you’re through the other end you’re more likely to think about forgiveness.

      Forgiveness is ‘subjective’ and will always be up to any of us, but rest assured forgiveness frees us from the emotional pain and that is a good reason for forgiveness.

  2. I may forgive people if I see evidence that their conscience has evenly distributed the same pain to them that they gave me. People need to know that their actions indeed have consequences.

    You may be surprised how life really works when we’re not looking.

    So stop holding your breath Ilana and breathe in everything you have accomplished, in spite of.

    1. Thanks Tim. They do indeed, but sadly not everyone will buy into the concept that actions have consequences. I think if more of us did, we’d be living in a totally different world.

      Although my blogs show experiences I wouldn’t want for anyone else, I tend not to hone in on that side of the experience. Instead, I look at what the experience teaches me.

      That where karma is concerned and I am a strong believer in karma, it will check and balance where it’s necessary. And it always does.

      I think you’re right though, karma really does work when we least expect it and it’s usually when we’ve taken our eye off the ball for some considerable time.

      Karma can happen in 1 week, 6 months from now, in a year. There is no set time on when karma is served. But rest assured it does happen.

  3. Some word and deeds deserve forgiveness and others do not and I agree with Tim completely – people need to understand the consequences of their behaviour.

    Your story is about others who determined your fate and you have dealt with that with grace and dignity.

    1. I’ve never really thought about my ‘story’ or my life or experiences in that way. I think my family are lucky that I bore my disability reasonably well. On the whole I was graceful and dealt with my experiences with dignity.

      Forgiveness is hard because not everyone can forgive. At the end of the day our ability to forgive lies in our ability to see good over bad and that comes once we’re through the healing process.

      Without healing taking place, we are less likely to forgive. Like you and Tim, I also believe that others must understand the consequences of their behaviour.

      When they do, they’re more likely to say ‘sorry.’

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