Owning & letting go

1 Feb 2017

Our past is something we’re constantly being reminded of, something we constantly fail to acknowledge or own, because our memories either don’t serve us, or hurt us, but will go on to impact us in our every day lives.

Perhaps we need to look at this scenario differently, at our past differently. We know we can’t change our past, our past together with our experiences are what makes us who we are now, but we need to simply work on owning those experiences. Our experiences belong to us we can’t change them.

Living in denial on the experiences that belong to us won’t help us. it just puts off the inevitable by us pretending those experiences aren’t real. Either way, it’s immaterial how we get to this place. We’re here, there’s nothing we can do about it, so there’s no use pointing the finger.

All the pointing of the finger does is make us feel worse, because we don’t get to re-write our experiences and we still have to own those experiences, but it also doesn’t help, unless the perpetrator is willing to accept their role in our experiences. I believe it’s important we reconcile our past regardless of who was initially instrumental or responsible.

If owning our past means being open about our experiences and finding an acceptance on those, then perhaps that’s what we need to do. It’s harder to do of course, if we’re dealing with guilt, particularly around physical abuse, because it’s easy to feel ashamed. But the shame we feel isn’t ours to own or accept.

Shame belongs to the person who made us to feel that way. If we can’t do anything about it, it’s important we let it go. If we can talk about our experiences and the situation presents itself, or even if it doesn’t, we can make it present itself. Either way we need to be open and honest with ourselves.

Owning our experiences, doesn’t in any way take away the other person’s role. That is for them to own, they are and always will be responsible, but what it does is give understanding of our experiences and that helps us let go.

6 Responses to “Owning & letting go”

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  1. Randy 01. Feb, 2017 at 4:00 pm #

    Peace is a concept I don’t know a lot about, but denial is something I’m very familiar with. My parents did a fantastic job of teaching me how to do that, seeing as they were in denial most of the time.

    They also dumped a mountain of guilt, shame and remorse on top of us; so it has been a monumental feat trying to sort through all of that. I long ago lost track of what was really mine and really theirs, because they made me feel responsible for everything. People wonder why I don’t think much of my parents but they didn’t go through my childhood.

    I am working so very hard on letting go of what I can, which is made so difficult by a person who doesn’t think I’ve done enough. It defeats the purpose when someone else is loading on even more crap at the same time.

    I would just like to have some peace and quiet for a change in my life, so I may have to let go of this person, which I’m about ready to do!

    • Ilana 01. Feb, 2017 at 5:33 pm #

      Thanks Randy. Yes, carrying a multitude of issues and baggage around with us, doesn’t help us find peace or at least work on it.

      Through our many experiences, we learn just how important it is to have the right people in our lives, to be selective where we can and to say what we need to say, when we can’t. To have other people off-load their problems, will of course make it even more difficult, particularly when we’re trying to sort our own issues out.

      None of this is easy and it’s something we inevitably learn on the job, as we go. Whatever our past, it is important we find an acceptance. We need to own our experiences, then let them go.

  2. Brad 02. Feb, 2017 at 5:58 pm #

    I agree. We are only responsible for how we behave, not others so that is what we must own.

    We all work differently, but accepting our past and positively changing what needs changing is our responsibility. We can’t be responsible for the actions or words of others. That is of them to own and be answerable for.

    • Ilana 02. Feb, 2017 at 6:24 pm #

      Thank you. Yes, we must own and be responsible for ourselves, for what we put out there.

      As a child our parents are responsible, but as the adult we then become responsible; but however we get to that point, I believe it’s important to own and let those experiences go.

  3. Tim 02. Feb, 2017 at 6:56 pm #

    My experiences have been a kind of fuel; if I was weak, what I’ve been through made me strong.

    And I own it gladly because it enhanced my sense of well being.

    • Ilana 02. Feb, 2017 at 7:23 pm #

      Thanks Tim. Like you I’ve had to be emotionally strong, but unfortunately, not everyone will manage to stay strong.

      Some of us will often become weaker and more disillusioned when we fail. I tend to think like you Tim. If I can learn from something, I own it and that gives me a sense of wellbeing.

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