Protect, not scar

It’s a parent’s job to protect, not scar us. From experience, but where some parents set out to protect their children, they may end up scarring them instead.

Crossed words, raised voices, strong undercurrents and undertones all create emotional scarring, particularly if undercurrents and undertones are continually being used. We use sarcasm, we lash out, use words that attack, undermine, pull downs, unkind comments, being neglectful and the patterns continue.

Scars run deep, but for some children they run deeper. Depending on how severely a child will suffer, depends on what the traumatic, emotional event holds or means for that child. Our tone, how we speak is often a reflection of past experiences. Perhaps we need to think about that first.

Sadly, we tend to speak first, then think later, by which time it’s often too late. As parents, we must make ourselves aware of how we communicate with children early on, because it is in the early years where emotional scarring begins. If children have emotional scarring in their childhood, they will carry it into their adult years.

In those circumstances, it’s important the child focuses their attentions instead on developing self-love and self-confidence. It’s important for the child to love and validate themselves, instead of trying to attempt to win their parents love, or vie for their attention, because that will never work.

Today’s blog is dedicated to Erin Moran.

24 Apr, 2017

6 thoughts on “Protect, not scar

  1. Yes, it would have been nice if my parents had focused more on protecting us than working so hard to leave us with permanent scars that never heal.

    I was reminded of that fact when visiting with my Dad in the nursing home and it only took one comment to make me feel horrible like he used to. He was very lucid in that moment, so I knew he meant exactly what he said. My girlfriend thought I was kind of silly to take it so personally, but she didn’t grow up the way I did so she really doesn’t get it.

    She had a chance to develop more normally as a person, than I ever did. We had to learn the hard way about how to deal with life and nobody ever really showed us how to do it like most parents usually do.

    This is why we have the arguments we do, because she thinks I act like a big baby because of little things. What she doesn’t get that it’s usually the last thing in a long line that finally wears me down enough to break.

    She wasn’t systematically tortured and brainwashed her whole childhood like I was. Most people can’t even begin to comprehend what it was like. It’s no wonder I still have a lot of those emotional scars that never truly heal.

    They love to say things like, ‘time heals all wounds’ but I can say from my experience that it isn’t always true. I so wish that I wasn’t the way that I am, but I wasn’t the one who created me so I didn’t have that choice.

    I just have to learn how to work with what I have now to finally break the cycle, so I can finally have a life to call my own.

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes, you don’t have to continue to convince your girlfriend what you know to be true. We spend a lifetime thinking we need to convince that we’ll feel better by being able to convince.

      Your girlfriend, family know what they know, how they perceive what they perceive, which isn’t what you perceive and know and that’s okay. Whatever we say, will never convince those who have yet to be convinced.

      We spend far too much of our time and therefore can never heal, by trying to convince those we spend our lives with what we know, what we want them to know. You know what you know Randy. It doesn’t matter that your girlfriend doesn’t agree. What matters is the work you do on yourself.

      I myself believe ‘time is a great healer,’ but for that to happen we must instigate and begin to find ways to heal. Wounds cannot heal if we don’t contribute to their healing and we are very much instrumental in that.

      As for your parents, there is no excuse for what they put you through, but through your own healing, you will begin to understand why. It doesn’t make what they’ve done right. But understanding helps us heal.

  2. I have been perceived as not being angry, even though that’s not true. I just try to be respectable and quiet while I stitch my wounds.

    It’s a reflex reaction not to let my scars be the narrative. Instead I wear them like a purple heart, but that doesn’t mean I’m not hurt.

    1. Thanks Tim. What you managed isn’t something I was able to achieve in my own childhood. The fact that you were more controlled means you understood your life and as a result became more resilient.

      You wore your heart on your sleeve well. I on the other hand spent my life wishing and believing things would be different, without understanding my life in that moment and became angry at the injustice of it all.

      1. Yes, very true! Its so imperative. I was lucky not to have that problem growing up. Every child is different and every child (whether sibling or not) perceives communication differently.

        They’re their own unique individuals who learn different too and their learning, emotional, and physical development has to be protected too.

        It’s okay to play and joke around but really think twice before words come out of your mouth and listen. Listen, listen to that tone. Think before saying and decide if the statement is appropriate or not.

        And if the parent doesn’t have the capability to hear their own tone, then its time to leave with the kids. That’s my take on it.

        1. Your take on my blog is absolutely right Bonnie. Thank you. Yes, we don’t think about what we say first. That’s the problem and the point and perhaps we should. When we live with scars, we’re more likely to go on to scar others, until we choose change.

          It’s important we recognise for ourselves that we recognise how we are. Only then will we change the way we communicate with others. Unfortunately, children will continue to get hurt, when parents’ fail to tackle or even recognise that they are scarred.

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