How did I feel receiving a box of books on publication day? Honestly, it felt surreal as though the books were being delivered for someone else, not me. Having them, brings up lots of emotions.
Touching the pages and looking through the book, I am thankful. I never thought I’d get to know what my disability was never mind be able to write about it. It’s also tinged with irritability and sadness, but happy I’ve been strong enough to live through my ordeal.
I’ve said it before and go back to the point that I could never understand my experiences, or disability without the book. Others must reconcile that. I’ve had to wait 56 years to complete my disability journey, to find out, to work through knowing about, and understanding my symptoms.
I am exonerated, the universe has answered my silent prayers. It understood my plight, more than I was able to understand it myself. It knew I was angry and didn’t stand in judgment of me, of my anger. It didn’t need to, it understood.
What’s irritating, is that as I play back the tapes, my mental and emotional struggles didn’t have to be struggles. My disability would always have been for me, but my irritabilities and anger, didn’t have to be.
Truth be told, I am not sure how I feel about those struggles, I suppose that depends on which day you get me on, but I have moved past the angry stage, to one of disbelief that this is my life.
I am relieved I have finally came through the other end. That for the first time in my life, I don’t have to relive those experiences, all now safely tucked away in a beautiful paperback book.