A box of books

How did I feel receiving a box of books on publication day? Honestly, it felt surreal as though the books were being delivered for someone else, not me. Having them, brings up lots of emotions.

Touching the pages and looking through the book,  I am thankful. I never thought I’d get to know what my disability was never mind be able to write about it. It’s also tinged with irritability and sadness, but happy I’ve been strong enough to live through my ordeal.

I’ve said it before and go back to the point that I could never understand my experiences, or disability without the book. Others must reconcile that. I’ve had to wait 56 years to complete my disability journey, to find out, to work through knowing about, and understanding my symptoms.

I am exonerated, the universe has answered my silent prayers. It understood my plight, more than I was able to understand it myself. It knew I was angry and didn’t stand in judgment of me, of my anger. It didn’t need to, it understood.

What’s irritating, is that as I play back the tapes, my mental and emotional struggles didn’t have to be struggles. My disability would always have been for me, but my irritabilities and anger, didn’t have to be.

Truth be told, I am not sure how I feel about those struggles, I suppose that depends on which day you get me on, but I have moved past the angry stage, to one of disbelief that this is my life.

I am relieved I have finally came through the other end. That for the first time in my life, I don’t have to relive those experiences, all now safely tucked away in a beautiful paperback book.


13 Feb, 2020

4 thoughts on “A box of books

  1. I’m sure that it did bring up a lot of mixed emotions, considering what you have been through that most people won’t ever really understand.

    I can only imagine, what I would feel like if I received a box of books from one that I had written. One of the many things that my parents drilled into me was the ‘don’t talk’ rule, where we weren’t supposed to disclose anything about what was really going on at home, behind closed doors.

    It has kept me a prisoner of my own mind and paralysed me from doing the things that I have wanted to do. I need to break down those barriers and live the life I have always wanted to live.

    1. Thanks Randy. It’s lovely that you understand, thank you. It helps to know that I am not alone with my thoughts.

      It helps to know there is support and that we can all support one another. It’s a shame your parents drilled into you that you mustn’t talk about the things that matter.

      Years on and we can change that. We can break down those barriers.

  2. You have always had a book inside of you, Ilana. I believe you will continue to write books and mirror to us your experiences, as you reclaim your life.

    This moment is a very happy one, for all of us.

    1. Thanks Tim. You are right, but it’s not something I could see back then. I do think our circumstances, the things we struggle with can be the catalyst for us to change.

      We must see that or nothing will change. Now I am happy and relieved I have come through to be able to make sense of my disability and to understand it for the very first time. It’s up to others to reconcile also.

      I am intending to write another book, this time it will be centred around my passions, the very things that got me through my darkest days.

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