When it comes to informative blogs such as this, I research the facts to make sure that what I know is what the facts recall. The pandemic felt massive, I had no control over how I felt, how I saw it. The principal emotion of autism is fear. It is because I deal with autism that I have fear. There is no getting away from that.
Writing about autism in my book Cerebral Palsy: A Story ‘Finding the Calm After the Storm’ understanding how I think and what my struggles were, adds a different perspective to the book, one that I wouldn’t otherwise have had. Everything I experience is based around autism. Growing up, when it comes to what we deal with, it is important we know. The book needed to be written.
In the book I talk in detail about my experiences with autism. It is because I have autism, that I also deal with other emotions, such as anxiety and bad thoughts that can look and feel like depression. It is because I am unable to ‘feel’ my emotions that I can look at someone and recognise their expressions, but am not able to share their feelings or understand how they really feel.
When I wrote the book, I didn’t have all this information to hand; it has become the reason I continue to write about autism on my blog. Many scientists believe the problem is caused by a weakness in mirror neurons. For me, it is a profound element of autism that continues to present itself.
Living with autism throws a curve ball into my daily life and can make me feel anxious and fearful when situations or issues arise and they begin to feel out of my depth. Covid-19 has made those of us with autism more vulnerable to problems that in other circumstances we would feel we had more control. I know that is true for me.
It has taken me 15 months to accept the virus and to know that I can be in control. Where someone without autism just accepts, okay this is what I have to deal with, I need to get on with it, I have had to find a way for it to feel comfortable, for it to fit.