There are experiences in life that you may come to understand differently. For me, it's gaining a greater understanding of my disabilities and how they have shaped my years.
With understanding comes questions. An apology doesn't change what happens. It cannot give back the years when there was no understanding. But an acknowledgement matters. Knowing that our experiences have been recognised, and that responsibility for them was understood, can help us to move forward and to make sense of things differently.
When that acknowledgement doesn't come, we are left with the knowledge we have gained, the experiences we have lived and the feelings that accompany them.
I sometimes sit with what it means to continue wanting something that can no longer happen. Not to challenge myself further, but to allow myself to find a way forward. Does finding a way towards healing mean I need to stop wishing for an apology? Does it mean accepting what happened without ever having it acknowledged? I don't think those things are necessarily the same.
We can recognise that an apology is no longer possible without pretending it was never needed. We can understand that our parents are no longer here to answer for what happened or to take responsibility for their actions. Instead, the difficulty is learning to live with that absence without allowing it to continually occupy our present.
Writing has helped me to understand my experiences of living with a disability I didn't know I had. It has also brought me closer to questions and feelings that were not possible for me to recognise before.
I am not responsible for what happened to me and I cannot change what happened. We cannot force an acknowledgement if it's not forthcoming. For me, it feels like my healing is now dependent on something that can no longer be given. This is my challenge.
What I know is that the absence of an apology does not make my experiences any less real, and continuing to wish for one does not mean I cannot also begin to find a way forward.
When an apology isn't forthcoming, healing can no longer settle on looking for the apology. It then has to be about finding a way to live without receiving it, while still acknowledging why it mattered.
