I wanted yesterday to end, but the truth is, I didn’t want it to start. I didn't want to have to deal with my day.

I wanted those around me to work from the same page, but the reality is that they don't and we may not always be equipped. For that split second I couldn’t focus. I had a psychological wall build up. Things began to seem more daunting as the day wore on. I wanted to hibernate.

It’s amazing how the mind builds such powerful associations between places and how we feel in those places. Being happy and productive doesn’t change the way we feel, but being frustrated, unhappy and unproductive usually means we begin to associate those feelings with the place where we felt those things.

I should have gone for a walk to clear my head, but I couldn't move. I began to talk some of my thoughts out and took some quiet time to reflect where I was. By the time evening came, the wall began to come down.

I've woken up this morning to very different feelings. I feel calm again.

Ilana Estelle is a mental health and wellbeing advocate who combines educational insight with her personal experience of living with physical, mental, and emotional disabilities. She holds diplomas in Counselling, Diet and Nutrition, Nutritional Therapy, Psychotherapy and Counselling, and Stress Management. Through her writing, Ilana supports others in navigating their emotional, mental, and physical health challenges. In addition to writing for The CP Diary, her work has appeared in healthy lifestyle magazines. Ilana is also the author of three books: Cerebral Palsy: A Story – Finding the Calm After the Storm, Spirituality, Healing and Me, and Survival: The Covid Years – Time for Change.

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2 comments on “My thoughts yesterday”

  1. It sounds like you had a lot going on that hasn't come to a resolution. I know it can be very frustrating to be in that position when you feel like nothing is going your way.

    I definitely can understand how paralysing it can be since I've had to deal with such deep bouts of depression for most of my life.

    Hopefully things will get better for you very soon.

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