Abuse and the cycle of abuse will always continue unless the cycle is broken. But often the root of abuse is deeply embedded in the inequalities of culture and sex roles, roles that we don’t ever think about in that way, but that have the potential to cause abuse in families.
Violence in society can have a ripple effect
The levels of violence in society can also affect the level of violence in families. When society becomes threatened for example, in times of high unemployment, social deprivation, poor quality housing and a high cost of living, the effect it has on family can influence the cycle of abuse and where the true victims become the children.
Negative effects of abuse
Until recently, children witnessing abuse and violence remain the forgotten and silent victims of family abuse. But there is no doubt that children witnessing abuse, can have serious negative impacts on their emotional, cognitive, behavioural, physical and social development.
Children feeling guilt
Children are often made to feel guilty, in some cases they may believe they are responsible for the abuse that if they were better behaved their parents wouldn’t fight. That is simply not true. Children may feel afraid that if their mother is being abused by their father, they may be next.
On the part of the child, there is the feeling of sickness and panic that stays permanently in the pit of their stomach. Even when they’re not subjected to abuse, they don't stop feeling sick, because they live in fear that the abuse will return. Raised voices directed at another child in the street, may often bring those feelings back.
Abuse doesn't stop until you stop it
When anyone uses abuse, it is based on their unconscious thinking, carried out in the present moment, but the more someone uses abuse to communicate, the more the abuse will continue. But abuse must stop. As parents we should want to be and give of our best. In a fully functional supporting family, parents should want to be a support.
Children being inclusive
Children need to be inclusive. They need to be able to say what they feel and to express themselves in an open, honest and transparent way and on our part, we must do the same. Parents should nurture their own relationships, so their children can model healthy relationships.
When parents choose abuse as a means of communication and it is a choice, not only do they lose out on being the best parents they can be and having the best relationship with their children, but their children lose out on having them as parents who support, love and encourage them.
The word abuse stirs in my head because I've witnessed so much of it, so I've learned to recognize abuse when it's less overt and before it becomes aggression.
But breaking the cycle of abuse is like performing an exorcism on half the planet.
Thanks Tim. Yes, it's never easy breaking the cycle of abuse, primarily because where we abuse we're not always consciously aware that is what we're doing. It is usually those on the receiving end of abuse that continually have to deal with it.
I feel for you also Tim, because even when we come to recognise abuse in its infancy, it is still not possible to move away from it emotionally, unless we physically move ourselves away.
Once those who abuse take themselves in hand and begin to deal with their issues as an abuser, the healing can then begin. It is also important at that time to incorporate lifestyle changes that allow for emotional and spiritual growth.
But first we fundamentally have to recognise behaviour traits and want to change to become better people.