"This was on my mind today. When I look at my life in the whole, I can’t believe that as I continue to write and talk about my experiences that this was my life.
Then I reconcile that it happened that I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing, but it's only ever short-lived. After 57 years what I find difficult to accept are my relationships – around a disability I didn't know I had. The universe would never accept what happened to me as being moral, or right.
And as I also continue to write each blog from a ‘universal standpoint,' I write the truth, no matter how hard it is for me to write it. It is a truth that can no longer be hidden, or denied. That's not on me. Until my diagnosis at the age of 46, I had reconciled that not knowing was something I would probably have to take to my grave, but spirit had a different idea.
A diagnosis and the start of The CP Diary journey. I take comfort from knowing that what I am writing is the truth and the fact that I don’t have to hide, or it be a secret anymore."
Your journey to become an author and writer began the very day you were born. Of course, you didn't know that when you were fighting for your rights as a child. Then miraculously you threw misery away.
And now peace has come to you, although your world is still tender. Try to remind yourself of that fact.
Thanks Tim. It's amazing what you don't think about or see as a child, but you're right, I couldn't know.
I don't take any of what I have achieved for granted, humbled by my experiences, but now have low moments because lockdown is reinforcing my disability.
When you say, 'although your world is still tender' - I agree. I don't think it will ever leave me.
Sadly I have wasted most of my life trying to find acceptance but never could. It is only recently did I realise that thanks to the way I grew up, I was always looking for acceptance in all the wrong places, so it's no wonder I couldn't find it.
The other part was being able to accept myself as I was and not feel so much like I was the one who was broken and had the problems, like I was brainwashed into believing.
It also took me a long time to figure out that just because I needed to accept something for the way it was, didn't mean I had to like it which applies to so many different things.
I'm going to focus on fitting into my own group and not worry so much about fitting into anyone else's for a change.
Thanks Randy. Pleased to hear and I agree. Yes, we come to realise a lot growing up that isn't obvious that becomes obvious through our struggles.
You matter. Fitting into yourself, into your own life is necessary for good emotional and mental health. Live your life by your rules, and as long as you're not hurting anyone else, it shouldn't matter.
They should want you to be happy. And you're not broken.