My Story

What is it like living with cerebral palsy?
I cannot answer that question, because for 46 years I never knew that is what I had. It was in March 2009 that I was finally diagnosed with cerebral palsy. I was born the second of premature twins.

My Cerebral Palsy Story

“Every day I learn a little more about myself, not by what I overcome, but by who I become in the process. Cerebral Palsy started as part of my story, but it doesn't define me. I live, and I write, to help manage my mental health. There is always an element of challenge to my days and my life.” – Ilana Estelle

About Me

We all carry experiences that shape us, some of which take years to understand.

My journey of healing through writing began with The CP Diary.

There is a saying that you cannot heal without opening the wound, and another that you cannot make an omelette without cracking a few eggs. Both reflect my writing journey.

To understand myself and the life I have had to live, I had little choice but to revisit my experiences.

I am Ilana Estelle – writer and creator of The CP Diary, a reflective platform shaped by 16 years of writing, dedicated to emotional wealth, working towards mental clarity, sitting with self-awareness and learning to embrace conscious living.

What began as a personal journal has grown into an extensive body of work exploring the emotional and lived experiences that shape who we are. I also write to make sense of a world that often feels noisy, divided, and difficult to understand.

This isn't a space for easy answers. It's a space for careful thought, curiosity, and responsibility – to myself and to my readers. I live with cerebral palsy, but that is only one part of my story.

For much of my life, I lived with questions – about myself, what I could physically see, how my body worked, how my emotions worked, and the way I experienced the world. Understanding came later, through cerebral palsy and autism diagnoses and, with them, a different way of seeing myself.

There are parts of my life I couldn't explain or question at the time, but which I am slowly coming to understand. For years I carried many of those parts quietly.

Writing became the way I learned to listen and to understand myself. It has become a necessity for survival.

Today, The CP Diary is a space for reflection – not just mine, but yours too. Each post is written with honesty and care – sometimes searching, sometimes bringing clarity, but always grounded in the need to understand.

Why I Write 

I started The CP Diary more than 16 years ago as a way of understanding my life and making sense of my health at a time when I was living with something I didn’t yet know I had. Writing gave me a way to reflect, find clarity, and begin to understand experiences I had previously struggled to explain.

There are experiences I've spoken about over the years, but others I've yet to explore. Sometimes, understanding comes from finding the space to sit with what we've experienced and see things from a different perspective. For many of us, that is where the next chapter begins.

At its heart, my writing is about sharing experiences, asking questions and encouraging thoughtful discussion. I write to understand, not to sound clever. My writing doesn't come after thinking – it lives inside it.

Each entry is written while my mind is curious, still moving, still questioning and rearranging itself. What you can find here is a mind in progress – reflective, searching and, with autism, always overwhelmed.

My story is not one of limitation, but of awareness and becoming – of learning who I am.

The CP Diary was created so that I could learn about and understand what I had, what I was dealing with. Bringing my life together, understanding myself is the most important thing I've done. My books brought and still continue to allow me to understand and bring my life together so I can live in the moment, to understand me. Nothing more.

What I share isn't meant to convince. It is simply offered to sit alongside anyone who finds themselves questioning, reflecting, or looking for some quiet understanding.

My articles are written in good faith and reflect my thoughts, experiences and understanding at the time of writing. My thoughts may continue to develop as my understanding does.

Writing helps me to process what I feel, manage my emotions and find some relief from the challenges surrounding a disability I have lived with all my life. The observations and perspectives are my own and are not intended to speak for anyone else.

There is more than one perspective to any story, but our experiences remain our own. They shape how we see ourselves, how we understand the world and how we move forward.

Through The CP Diary, I have continued to explore those connections, sharing what I have learned in the hope that others may find understanding in their own experiences too.

The CP Diary

I am not a medical practitioner, and I do not offer diagnosis or clinical treatment. What I share are reflections, insight and awareness – informed by my experiences and education – intended to encourage understanding, self-compassion and conscious living.

The CP Diary is for anyone who feels deeply or is navigating their own journey – whether that includes mental health challenges, the weight of carrying difficult things, disability, or long-term conditions. You are not alone.

Writing creates space for me to pause, reflect and make sense of the things I don't yet understand. It allows honesty to surface gently, without pressure or expectation. Writing doesn't have to be something big; keeping a personal journal can be a place to start.

This is a space for open conversation around mental health, chronic illness and healing – and for giving voice to stories that matter.

Over the years, the focus has shifted. It is less about resolving everything and more about learning how to carry things differently – recognising that some experiences cannot be resolved, but still deserve to be acknowledged.

Perhaps part of what comes next is allowing these reflections to exist outside of us, so they don't have to be held alone.

Thanks for being here and for reading.

Where You Can Find My Selective Works

My writing is primarily published through The CP Diary. The socials I am most active on are: X, Facebook, Tumblr, and Goodreads, where I share articles, relating to The CP Diary.

I am a member of the Society of Authors, the UK's professional body for writers.

Background and Learning

Alongside my lived experience, I draw on formal study in counselling, nutrition, stress management, and emotional wellbeing, with a focus on holistic wellbeing, self-awareness, and emotional resilience.

Diplomas and qualifications include:

Oxford College
– Diploma in Counselling
– Diploma in Diet and Nutrition (Distinction)
– Diploma in Nutritional Therapy (Distinction)

The School of Natural Health Sciences
– Diploma in Stress Management
– Diploma in Psychotherapy & Counselling
– Diploma in Advanced Nutrition
– Higher International Diploma in Nutrition

What I’ve learned through my studies helps me make sense of emotional patterns, stress, resilience, and health and wellbeing. While my writing stays rooted in reflection, it is not an instruction – it is what I have learned along the way.

Whatever you get to deal with – there is something here for you.

Love and light,
Ilana x


MY STORY


I grew up not knowing I had cerebral palsy. It wasn't until I was forty-six that I finally found out. What I didn't know then was that I had been diagnosed at the age of two.

Those years were enormously difficult. I was an angry child. Some days I felt isolated, alone and misunderstood. Other days I felt irritated, frustrated and helpless.

I didn’t understand why I felt the way I did. I only knew how it felt.

As an adult, through self-reflection and writing, I am finally understanding the child I was.

Although I was an angry child, deep down I knew I wasn't bad. Shortly before his death, my father told me I was the most compassionate and caring.

I first had a diagnosis of cerebral palsy at the age of two. There were concerns about my balance. When my twin began to crawl, I would fall, try to get up, then fall again. It was never something I could control.

Growing up, I felt different for all the wrong reasons. 

I had little muscle tone from the hip to the ankle on my left side. I have a foot drop, and my left leg is ¾” shorter than my right. I have a weakened and smaller muscle tone and a paralysis on my left side that extends to my arm. 

As a child, I was aware that I dragged my leg and walked toe-heel. My father often walked behind me, telling me to pick up my foot and stop dragging my leg, something I wasn't physically able to do.

I limped and tripped when I got tired and would get cross with myself. I struggled with getting shoes to fit. I was made to wear a heel lift on the outside of my shoe that I hated. Eventually things got so bad I had to get shoes made for me. I hated that even more.

It was because of my awkward gait that walking was difficult. I struggled with being watched and walking into a room was difficult. I also struggled with looking at myself in a full-length mirror because, even when I was standing straight, I was lopsided. 

Having trousers shortened was particularly difficult because it meant having to stand in front of a mirror, while my trousers were being separately measured to take into account the leg length difference.

I also struggled with my handwriting. My neurologist explained that the part of my brain responsible for motor skills is affected. That knowledge has brought clarity, helping to explain both my handwriting and some of the learning difficulties I have experienced. 

He also diagnosed me with anxiety and depression, adding another layer to the challenges I have had to understand and manage throughout my life. At 56, discovering that I am autistic has helped me to make greater sense of these experiences and of the difficulties I faced at school.

I always saw myself as a problem to solve. 

For many years I didn't understand what I was dealing with, physically, mentally or emotionally. I learned to stay small and eventually started working things out for myself.

Writing has become a necessity – I was left with no choice.  

The CP Diary has gone on to help me piece my diagnoses together. I have Cerebral Palsy. The correct diagnosis is Mild Cerebral Palsy Hemiparesis. Two limbs are affected.

Through the little notes I have and further research, I understand now what I should have known as a child. 

Not knowing always gave me a renewed hope that tomorrow would be different – and that whatever it was I would get better. I survived because of that hope. 

The light: I remember  thinking I was happy being me. I was never sure why, I just knew I was. But perhaps the light was never the moment itself, but the certainty I carried within it.

Thanks for reading and being here,

Ilana x

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