For anyone dealing with loss they will know just how grief feels. After the loss of my twin, I am now navigating a profound transition in my life, one that encompasses both physical and emotional changes. Phrases like 'moving forward' and 'moving on' reflect some of the feelings I am expected to cope with, as I continue to learn to deal with the void around my twin's absence.

A New Home

As a result of losing my twin and living in close proximity to her for 32 years, means I have now had to move home. But my new physical environment represents a fresh start, a new chapter for me; one that I need to be mentally ready for and it's a challenge. A new home exacerbates feelings of loss, especially since my twin and I shared significant experiences tied to out previous homes and in the pandemic. When I first moved house, the process of packing and unpacking triggered reflections on what was and what is now, emphasising the gap left by the absence of my twin.

Moving Forward

I know that moving forward is change, progress even, even if it is challenging. A new home is about resilience and my ability to adapt. I am lonely and her death has left a void. Moving house and forward is forced, it's bittersweet. Some days it weighs more heavily than others. Although I had no choice – it will never diminish the relationship with my twin.

Summary

The loss of my twin is a profound reminder of the complexities of twin loss, and the multi-layered journey of navigating life after a life as a 'twin'. It involves acknowledging each step that I take – steps that involve shaping a new identity without her. I am learning to move forward, intertwining the memory of my twin, while allowing myself to embrace her loss, and the sorrow that comes with living without her.

Ilana Estelle is a mental health and wellbeing advocate who combines educational insight with her personal experience of living with physical, mental, and emotional disabilities. She holds diplomas in Counselling, Diet and Nutrition, Nutritional Therapy, Psychotherapy and Counselling, and Stress Management. Through her writing, Ilana supports others in navigating their emotional, mental, and physical health challenges. In addition to writing for The CP Diary, her work has appeared in healthy lifestyle magazines. Ilana is also the author of three books: Cerebral Palsy: A Story – Finding the Calm After the Storm, Spirituality, Healing and Me, and Survival: The Covid Years – Time for Change.

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