"When you've spent your entire life as a twin, even if you've had more downs than ups, it's like looking into a mirror every day. Their absence leaves the world feeling unfamiliar, making it even harder to navigate. I am lonely. It's not just about missing her; it’s a complex emptiness; missing her presence and the shared experiences that shaped our lives together, even if they weren’t always easy – the twin bond.
Adjusting to life without her now brings an added layer of sadness in a world that is becoming more difficult to navigate. The pain of loss is unpredictable; it comes in waves. Some days, I find it easier to move forward, but on other days, when I catch a glimpse of our shared experiences in my reflection – it becomes overwhelming.
I am certain, it isn’t a process I need to rush through or figure out quickly – and not everyone will understand the bond of a twin; the shared journey or the struggle of me having to walk it alone and that’s okay. For the first time I am learning about me. But I can't worry about that. What matters is I'm taking small, tiny steps – and that's enough. Healing is a destination; a long process and I’m learning to be patient with it, allowing myself the space to remember, and to slowly work on discovering my own reflection.
I am careful to place my words, to choose the phrase "discovering my own reflection" rather than "rediscovering my own reflection." As a twin, your identity often exists in the shared space of your other half’s shadow. That was true for us. It's how we were brought up. We were never two separate individuals; it was always about the twins. Even now, after my twin's passing, others still hold on to that perception. It’s as if her death hasn’t shifted the way others see me without her – they still think of us together, intertwined. We were and still are two different people. In fact, my writing continues to show just how different we are.
It's nearly two years now and as I continue to work through the process, I am left to navigate not just my own thoughts and feelings on a shared life, but I'm also having to navigate the lingering expectations of us, rather than me, through our relationship with those close to us."
