The CP Diary is mired in truth — not just my truth, not just my personal truth but a truth others can see themselves in. It invites anyone to own and accept their truths through the lens of my lived experiences. My writing is universal; what I write about, anyone can connect with, relate to and make their own.
My life was continually shaped by not knowing, with no understanding, and no support. I didn’t have a name for what made me different. I didn’t have the language to explain what I was grappling with. I was left to make sense of it all on my own.
There is a grief in all of that.
My whole life is shroud in grief. Grief for the support I never had, the kind that would have limited my stress and anxiety. Grief for the understanding that would have named my experiences and reduced being judged. A name will have stopped me from blaming myself for failing to get off the starting block in life, in school. An institution I didn't get or understand. I didn't fall short, trust did.
I held my part. The fracture came from where I never expected it—close.
I carry grief for the child I never got to be, for the struggles I got to endure. I carry grief for the endless struggles with communications, around needs that made me different that weren't picked up on. I needed someone to say, “This is what you’re living with. It’s not your fault and to ask, how are you feeling about what you deal with, don't worry, we have your back.”
I blamed myself for not trying hard enough to do better in school. I was continually blaming myself for that. It’s why I threw my reports away – not out of anger, but from a place of quiet heartbreak. They reminded me of everything that was missed, everything that went unseen. Letting them go without realising, was my way of saying: I deserved more. I still do. I was a child.
There’s also grief for the confidence that never had a chance to grow. For the self-esteem and confidence that could have saved me. Without a diagnosis, I was always a step behind — trying to keep up, trying to understand, trying to be accepted. Now, I sit with this grief. Not to dwell, but to heal. Because speaking it out loud, now gives me something I never had: a voice.
Why not browse through more of my blogs and see what resonates with you? Explore posts that catch your eye, reflect your own experiences, or offer new perspectives on life, trust, and personal growth. Whether you’re seeking relatable stories, inspiration, or thoughtful insights, you’ll find content that speaks to you and to your journey.
