A recent trip to the podiatrist has brought back some early memories I had disbanded with. I was hoping being asked to walk up and down the room without my shoes and socks on would have been easier this time around.
Although I managed not to show off this time, I found it difficult to walk up and down the room without thinking about whether the podiatrist was watching me. It has made me more conscious because of my father walking behind me telling me to pick my foot up and to stop dragging my leg.
My reinforced negative thoughts
The consultation not only reinforced a lot of the old negative thoughts and feelings, but also brought with it new understandings about my scoliosis and leg length difference, neither condition pointed out or explained. When I’m lying down I have a leg length difference of 8mm. When I’m standing up, because I have a muscle weakness in my left leg and a scoliosis, the leg length difference is extended to between 20-25mm.
There was also no mention in my original medical notes of a knee hyper-extension. What that means is my knee extends too far beyond the normal limit when walking. It shifts outwards and backwards because of nerve damage. Walking long distances can lead to muscle fatigue and which contributes to my abnormal gait.
My orthotics
Although the orthotics I am wearing are two years old and are still working well, the podiatrist I originally saw isn't working now and there is no record of my original prescription. At some point I will think about having more orthotics made with this new prescription.
My podiatrist, couldn’t tell whether my current orthotics with its prescription, would be what she intended to prescribe now because she didn’t have my earlier notes. She’s given me exercises to do.
I know my feelings have come on the back of me not knowing how I would feel going back into this situation again and that’s what I’m struggling with.
People have no idea of what it's like when something as simple as a doctor's visit throws you right back to the worst times in your life.
I am pretty sure that my mom had a degree of Munchhausen's syndrome, seeing as she always seemed to be watching me and looking for signs of any kind of sickness, when what was wrong with me was what she couldn't see.
It would have been nice for both of us, if our parents had focused on what the real issues were, rather than focusing on what they wanted to see.
Dealing with those medical issues now is very frustrating to say the least, because they are issues that should have been dealt with so long ago.
I hate it when people try to tell me things like I shouldn't feel that way about my parents, when they didn't go through the hell that I did.
Thanks Randy. Yes, you're right and I agree. They can't know.
But it's not something we can change, but something we must reconcile. I also agree that having to deal with anything that brings back old thoughts is very frustrating.
The only one in a position to talk about your parents is you Randy. You know the truth on your experiences. Potentially what others may see is something that's fed from your parents if they're in touch with them.
I guess it was inevitable that those early memories would resurface when you went to see the Podiatrist.
You now have a more comprehensive understanding of the interactions between your conditions. As a result perhaps you had to confront them once again to finally put them to rest.
I think you're right. Thank you. I should have prepared myself for the consultation. It literally never registered.
Perhaps, because I'd already come to terms with my disability I didn't think I needed to.