Given the depth of hurt and unnecessary suffering, it’s no surprise that the same thoughts keep circling in my mind. They are shaped by my experiences, and letting go of them isn’t easy.
I still struggle to understand the ignorance – the way my difficulties, particularly my mental and emotional struggles, were overlooked as I was growing up. The anger that comes with that is hard to shake. I believed others had my back, never stopping to question things. But with awareness comes clarity. Understanding the past should help me to move forward, even when the emotions still linger. Healing begins with recognition, and in time, acceptance should follow.
Continuing to believe
The hardest part was that whilst I continued to struggle with my issues around what I later learned were neurological difficulties, I continued to believe they still had my back. As a child why would you choose to think about anything different, you're a child!
Conclusion
To this day, I still have difficulties getting my head around how things played out. Then there are days when I can look at what I have achieved since my diagnosis ten years ago, and know that without these experiences, I wouldn't have achieved my accomplishments, and then I go back and continue to fail to reconcile. The trauma looks and smells familiar, but I still need to find a place for it. This is something I don't think I'll get over. After 4.5 decades, it's a lot to ask.
What a very good question. I wasted most of my life trying to 'get over it' when it caused me to make so many stupid decisions that I wouldn't have made, if I hadn't been brainwashed into being a people pleaser.
Seriously, how is it that people think we can just get over it, when they can't even comprehend how horrible it was? I find myself getting angry because I wanted to be a great dad and a good person, but nobody showed me how.
It would have been nice if both of us had the chance to do more than we did, had we been allowed to. I'm finding it very difficult to not be angry under the circumstances, but I am only human, after all.
Thanks Randy. Yes, you're right, but you mustn't be too hard on yourself. Your experiences weren't your fault.
What's important is what you do now and how you make a difference now. Make the changes you need to make. It is up to the people that matter to understand you, as they would want you to understand them.
We cannot change the past, we can only change how we react and how we do things and deal with things from here.