Another back to back. Having grown up with fear and anxiety issues and having been diagnosed in January 2019 with Asperger’s, I now understand why I have Asperger’s and how my Asperger's works.
Cerebral Palsy and Brain Damage
Navigating Impaired Emotions
My impaired emotions, a result of brain damage, have only made things more difficult. As I write and reflect on my childhood, I still feel frustrated by the reality of being left to manage anxiety, fear, and intrusive thoughts on my own – forced to navigate an uncertain world without guidance.
The challenge with my Asperger’s is that once a worry takes a hold, it lingers. The only way for it to fade, is if the circumstances surrounding it change, making it no longer a concern, or if something physically removes it, or replaces it.
Living with Impaired Emotions
Growing up with impaired emotions meant my mind was constantly consumed by worry, always shadowed by intrusive thoughts. Chaos followed. Knowing that my anxiety was seen yet left unaddressed only added to my struggle. In time, I accepted my reality, but I never truly understood why things had to be that way.
As parents, we all have our own burdens to carry, but part of that responsibility is helping our children navigate theirs. It is a parent’s role to provide support, to guide, and to ensure their child has the tools to reach their full potential.
Understanding My Asperger’s
I have no doubt that writing helps me make sense of my Asperger’s – it gives me clarity and a way to process my thoughts. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to do what I do. But I never expected the journey to be as difficult as it was. There was no reason for it to be that hard.
Out of necessity, I have learned to make peace with my Asperger’s. Now, my focus is on finding ways to manage my worries and the thoughts that hold me back.
There is no excuse for the hell we had to go through as children, at least in my mind. I get so annoyed when people say things like they did the best they could with what they had, which is such a load of crap to me.
Knowing is half the battle but it still doesn't always help when we look back on what we went through. People act all horrified if you happen to speak badly about your parents, but they didn't have to survive the things we did so they never will get it.
All I ever wanted from them was an admission that they had done us wrong as kids, since I knew I would never get an apology, but to the end they blamed each other.
It would have been nice for both of us, if we would have had parents who would have supported us like most other parents.
You're absolutely right Randy. Those were my experiences too. But others will always have an opinion. They will also never have a bad word said, even thought they may know very little about a child's experiences.
That's fine. They can pass their opinion, say what they think but that doesn't represent the truth, just their opinion.
What's important is what you know. We cannot turn back the clock. In my case I must find an acceptance on a disability I didn't know I had.
I find it problematic that no one taught you how to cope and survive Cerebral Palsy and your environment in your adolescent years. People just seemed distant from the excruciating you were experiencing.
But you should know that your life was already written as a powerful story of triumph and on your own terms.
Thanks Tim. Yes, it took me until my 40's and a diagnosis to understand my life story. Before that I was already resigning myself to the fact that I may never know.
I find it a problem, also. That part of my life is not something I will ever get over. It's etched on my soul, although I choose not to let it hurt me. When anything is wilfully, nothing can replace that hurt.
It was clearly meant to be a secret, never to be questioned or aired. What they didn't bargain for was that I was determined to find out.
No one should be left in the dark, not knowing how and why others behave the way they do. It is incomprehensible that anyone would choose to do that to a child, so it's not surprising that you feel the way you do.
Your path was chosen for a reason and not many would be able to walk your journey.
Thanks. All of our experiences are etched on our souls. It's the nature of how our souls work.
I'm pleased this is my journey now. Not the way I would have wanted it to happen if I was given the choice.