I have never looked on, or looked back on my childhood or disability with rose coloured spectacles. It wasn't that kind of childhood.
Not knowing about my disability
There were too many issues around a disability I didn’t know I had. Not being aware of what my disability was, or what it entailed around my presenting co-existing medical conditions; having to work through my childhood, meant the rose-coloured spectacles would always have to be off. Although it was never my intention to write, as soon as I found out about my disability at the age of 46, it was clear that without writing about my disability, I could never know about my disability and would have had to go to the grave without. Every child has a right to know about what they deal with.
I wasn't mentally equipped to deal with Covid
Not knowing and not having had the tools as a child to understand my disability or how to deal with the mental or emotional side of my disability, means I am not now equipped to deal with Covid.
But just being able to say, 'that explains what I struggled with as a child, oh so that's what that means,' has helped me to piece the jigsaw together. I need to get better at dealing with the mental side of my disability, particularly in the pandemic. My reactions are painful. I don't always know how to handle anything big. Having autism means all problems and issues are one size, there's no small, medium, or large; there's just one big 'traffic jam'.
Pandemic life is difficult with a disability
But writing is exactly what I needed. It doesn’t take away the fact that I was left in the dark, but the pandemic is mentally challenging and trying to adjust is difficult; impossible.
Anyone dealing with a disability has to be able to function mentally. With help we may function better. With a 70% mental disability and in a pandemic, I am struggling to do that. It's why I write.
You have shown and continue to show us through this blog that you took responsibility for yourself.
You knew something wasn't right, but that didn't stop you wanting to know, wanting to find out everything you needed to, in order to start the healing process.
You 'put your house in order' as we must all do the same. As you have also shown, being responsible for our words and actions also means giving ourselves the respect we deserve.
Thanks. Yes, the most important thing we can do is give ourselves the respect. I agree that without a diagnosis and an understanding of my disability, I could or never would heal.
But no matter our lives, or what we deal with, we must take responsibility for ourselves. Wishing or hoping our lives will change, won't change what we have, unless we change.
We get one crack at the life thing. Responsibility is key to taking control. Even though I didn't start off with an understanding, I was still aware things weren't right.
When I was finally able, I took control and responsibility and couldn't be happier with my achievements. We must rely on ourselves and take responsibility. That is solely on us.