When any parent hides the truth, it's hard for a child to have to deal with that, particularly when it comes to a diagnosis centred around a disability they don't know about. Not only did I not know what I had, as a consequence, I didn't know about myself either.
Trust between a parent and child
The trust between a parent and a child is based on a parent's ability to be open and transparent about what that child deals with and for that parent to take sole responsibility for looking after that child's needs, both emotionally and physically. For that child to have faith, put and place their own trust in his or her parents, that they will do right and do what's in the best interest of that child.
When trust breaks down
When there is a diagnosis and yet we have to wait 46 years to find out what the diagnosis is, and we're still expected to be the dutiful child. A non-diagnosis wasn't the truth, and we later find that out to our cost.
Non-truths
All conversations subsequently to that, thoughts and feelings that took place over the years, were then based around non-truths. It is like being conditioned to love someone on their terms and you still continue to be abused, and the other person doesn't question the lie, even though they know they are.
In spite of my childhood I've done well not to exhibit trust issues. There's an answer for that. That's because unconsciously I was aware and I understood.
Yes, I was most definitely conditioned to love someone on their terms by a mother who used me as her emotional teddy bear, while my issues never seemed to matter.
I'm sure that is why I have ended up in the same type of relationships, even though it isn't the way I want to be treated. She created a seemingly never ending list of mommy issues that I haven't been able to defeat, mostly because they were issues that I so desperately wanted to pretend that they didn't exist.
Even now after her death, her messages still cycle in my mind after all these years. My parents forced us to depend on them even though they weren't very dependable, so it's no wonder I have gravitated towards the same type of people most of my life.
Now at 49 years old, I have to figure out how to break that conditioning so that I can actually live my own life for the first time, even as scary a prospect that may be.
Thanks Randy. Yes the subconscious mind has a way of replaying those old messages.
This is the thing about our lives, we tend to gravitate towards the people we're so desperately keen to move away from.
It's not something we do on a conscious level, our subconscious tends to do that for us without us realising.
It's clear Randy you didn't have your parents trust, but this is something you can build for yourself with your own daughter.
It's easy in some ways to let the same patterns play out, harder to change in the short term, but well worth the effort in the longer term.
But I am also clear this isn't something you should own.
It's natural for a child to trust his or her parents. A parents' job is to put the child first above all else. That's it, it's simple and fundamental.
I know this is going to sound harsh, unfortunately and they are by no means alone, yours decided to put their interests before yours and in doing so broke something so basic that it is almost too much to comprehend.
Trust between a child and his or her parents, is fundamental but your childhood was built on a foundation of deceit and self interest. I admire your resilience and I know that I would not be so gracious in these circumstances.
On the flip side, you would not be doing what you do if you had been brought up knowing about your Cerebral Palsy, so we all benefit from that and I guess now they have passed, your parents will have to answer for their deeds.
Thanks. I've been honest about it but as a child I wasn't this gracious. I believe that everyone will have to answer for their deeds.
My circumstances and what I've had to deal with, is no exception.