Mourning isn’t just something we do when we lose a loved one. Mourning is also for something that happens to us, something that we need to come to understand. It's also for something we need to work through, for us to come to terms with, something we need to accept, whichever comes first.
Mourning for a loss
There were days, particularly in the early days when I first acquired a diagnosis on my disability, when what was done to me felt heavy. I needed time to mourn for the emotional loss and support I didn’t have growing up, around a disability I didn’t know I had. I also needed to know about my presenting symptoms, particularly around my neurological difficulties.
Acknowledging and accepting our emotions
I needed to consciously acknowledge my emotions around my father’s last comments when I asked him why he didn’t tell me about my diagnosis when I first found out about cerebral palsy. I needed my conscious to find and accept his subconscious reasoning in allowing my life and experiences to happen.
Sowing a seed
Sowing a seed, telling the universe about how heavy this feels, has taken the edge off on how I feel. It has been 8 years since I started The CP Diary, blogging about my feelings around my diagnosis, and for the first time it feels as though I am coming through the other end.
My writing, exploring my thoughts and feelings around my late diagnosis has allowed water to pass under the bridge. I know it’s not something I could have ever changed or can change now, but I have come to understand. Things feel lighter today.
Well, now that certainly explains a lot. I was wondering why it felt like things had changed recently, when overall it hasn't felt like anything changed at all.
It does seem to help a lot when you stay focused on your own issues first, even when that isn't something that you would normally do.
I have spent most of my life being a caretaker for people who never really appreciated it and have been extremely resentful because of it.
The reality is that 'you live what you know' and I have to work so very hard on letting all of that go because the person that I could have become will never be and I have to accept it.
Reading your blog and following your suggestions has been a godsend for me, which I have come to greatly appreciate. Keep up the great work.
Everyone has been through something, going through something or waiting to go insane from fearing something. We live each day with this, mourning our mortality and looking back to see how close it is.
But the darkest day imaginable has hope in it somewhere, I really believe that.
Thanks Tim. Yes I believe that also. It's something I innately believe, but I'm not always able to achieve it. It's important we continue to at least try.
I also believe the more stress we take away, the more we can achieve it. Sadly, it's my jumbled emotions that bring in any dark thoughts, accompanied by the stress I have to deal with.
Thanks Randy, it's so lovely of you to say. I am genuinely pleased my blog helps you.
I believe that the person you 'could have become' can still be. It's never too late to change. We may lose time, but we never lose our ability to change, it just might take us longer.
It's about being proactive and taking control. If something isn't working change it; if someone is holding you back, move away from that person. We must measures in place that create, not make us stressed.
In terms of what's gone, it's important to understand and accept that you can't get those times back. I appreciate that without talking about the issues with the people who were responsible, it is hard to let go.
But that doesn't take away their accountability. And with no control over those events, it's easy to carry someone else's guilt and harbour resentment. But it's important not to own the guilt.
There are things we can do to change how we perceive our experiences, but we mustn't be afraid to let go.