Although this photo of Sheila isn't recent, it's the most recent photo of her I have.

Losing a loved one means physical separation, but on a spiritual level it can bring you closer back together. That is exactly what has happened here and I'm loving it.

I miss my physical life with my twin

I am aware I need to heal, but I miss my physical life with my twin. Like all siblings we both know our relationship could have been better, like all siblings, we got caught up in the here and now and struggled with our lives, with each other.

As a child I had anger issues from a disability that was ignored. As a result my twin was brought in to look after me. I ended up having to shadow her for many years, because no one knew what to do with me. It wasn’t fair on her and it wasn't fair on me and we couldn’t change it. Our lives would have to have been completely different for that to change, for the outcome to change for us to be close, for us to come together. Amongst other things my twin had to deal with, it took its toll on her mental health. A lot of what she dealt with I wasn't aware of, but I did later find out she had been batting depression for years. None of anything she had to deal with was on her and she should still be here with me.

The CP Diary

I am grateful for the platform I have, because it allows me to find acceptance on many things, for others too. We all need acceptance, no matter our experiences. It will be a year in December that I lost her. Now I need to come to terms with that loss through physical healing. Being physically poorly for 9 months has taken its toll on my mental as well as my physical health.

Through the trauma of watching her struggle before she died and sustaining a mouth injury as a result, I have more dental treatments to go, but it's a start. I am irked at the isolation, sad, and reflective on our life together, but relieved that healing is now able to begin.

Unhappy because it is inevitable that through the loss, my life continues without her. I desperately miss her.