A very good friend gifted me with the TickTock transcript by Billy-Bob Thornton (below). Any loss, if it’s protracted, or not considered the norm, can be traumatic. The podcast timing couldn’t be more perfect. It’s a year since I lost my twin.
This is EXACTLY how I feel.
Billy Bob Thornton: "I've Never Been the Same Since My Brother Died."
There's a melancholy in me that never goes away. I'm 50 percent happy and 50 percent sad at any given moment."
"I don't want to forget what it felt like when he died, because he deserves [that remembrance]. That's how important he was to me," Thornton says. "So, if I have to suffer and I have to be sad for the rest of my life, and if I have to be lonely without him... then that's the way I honor him."
It's an anguish that he doesn't believe will ever go away. "I'll be sad and melancholy about that forever. I know it and I accept it and I live with it," he says. "But I think it's OK. I think it's OK to have all those feelings." - (Source: https://www.huffpost.com)
As painful as it has been to cope with his loss, Billy-Bob Thornton chose to embrace his grief. He wouldn't be pushed into moving on until it felt right, until he was done grieving. Billy Bob expresses my feelings exactly. I am melancholy and life will never be the same. The grief may subside, but the melancholy will stick. Sheila was my twin. She was the other half of me.
Disbelief
A year on and coming across Billy-Bob Thornton's dialogue rings many truths for me. I am not the same person. I can’t believe Sheila's gone. I'm fearful of the life yet to come. I have never known a life without her and it couldn't have come at a worse time in the pandemic.
There are days when I fail to move one step in front of the other, fail to focus and fail to motivate. I have low moments for sure.
Yes, like Billy-Bob Thornton, for me Sheila's death has changed everything. I have a hard time accepting she's not with me anymore. Traumatic loss and grief is difficult to get past, no matter how many times you're told to get on with life. You can't just switch off as it takes time to come to terms with the trauma, and to find a place for your feelings.
Feeling Lonely
I am lonely. The twin link (and for anyone who is, will know how that feels) is permanent, although the environment we grew up in, did nothing to help us nurture our twinness, but that's not our guilt to carry.
'The Twins'
Growing up, we both struggled being referred to 'the twins all the time. We were never called by our first names. We were never Sheila and Ilana, living independent lives... we were 'the twins.' It annoyed us both equally.
It also annoyed us that some family members and family friends couldn’t be bothered to address us individually and when they saw us, were then asked which one we were.
I hate that we both missed out and now that time is gone. As a writer, I am happy to talk about her, to keep her memory alive. As I continue my earthly journey, Sheila comes too.
Dedicated to all those dealing with loss and grief.
