Having lived with someone who had anger issues I know how toxic anger can be. We’re human beings; we’re bitter over the things we cannot change or control; we get angry and are slow to forgive.
Different forms of anger
Anger can take many forms. The most common used are:
Some of us may bottle our feelings up when we’re angry and instead of communicating and being open about how we feel; we become irritated by our circumstances and will shut off verbally instead.
We may also become obstructive by putting up a wall between the person we have a problem with and us. We may go into a sulk, we may also resist requests by evading issues altogether, creating even more confusion. We may also not show that we are angry or resentful. We may self-sabotage by withdrawing from social situations with friends and family.
Unfortunately, this form of anger is not always recognised as a symptom of anger, but that’s what it is. In some cases, we may appear to be polite; in agreement and well meaning. It becomes a vicious circle of course, because without addressing the symptoms of anger and how we feel, we will continue to embroil ourselves in our own personal battle.
My first husband had anger issues. That's part of the reason we split up. I just couldn't deal with the anger. He would not keep his anger to himself either. He was destructive and abusive.
I learned from him how to be angry openly and not keep things bottled up. But I control my anger now. I'm calmer and let things be.
My father would keep everything bottled up. It caused him several health issues like high blood pressure. His face would be red if he was really upset about something. I worried a lot about him.
Unfortunately Lisa when we live with someone who is angry and has abusive tendencies, we pick up those character traits as a coping mechanism; just to survive.
It's good that you saw and understood what was going on in your first marriage and you got out. I understand the problems with your father and him bottling his worries up, but as you know and your father's case has shown, we get ill from the silence and saying nothing, more so than if we said something.
Statistically (although this is not the way to do it, there are other ways) those who shout their way through life live longer, than those who keep silent by carrying their issues.
I am fortunate in that I rarely lose my temper or get angry. I have been known to sulk though on rare occasions.
I have witnessed someone who was very, very angry and when he lost it, you didn't want to be anywhere near him. He was completely out of control and capable of anything, including causing someone serious physical harm.
I can certainly see how anger would contribute to the break up in a relationship and sometimes that is just the way it has to go; especially if that person isn't willing to face up to this danger issues.
It's sad when people don't see or own up to their own part with anger issues. It's a human failing I feel. Gone are the days that we're happy for someone to say something and it resonate with us without it causing offence.
Anger doesn't always have to manifest in the way you describe, although the one you're describing here are exactly my experiences. I believe there are other forms of anger as outlined in my blog. That said, there's a lot that we must face up to first if we are going to change our behaviour and the way we respond to others.
Having gone from a nightmare child to an adult without the anger tag, I know it can be done.
Growing up I remember my dad being angry most of the time. I think his anger was caused by his drinking habit. It seem like nothing made him happy. He always found a flaw in stuff.
As we grew older us children developed a fear toward him and shied away from him. My siblings and I grew up without communicating with him. Sadly, he still drinks and has become a bitter old man. Now he wonders why his children don't visit him.
In my case I do experience anger from time to time. My anger is derived from frustration for what I have to deal with while living with CP. I try not to let it ruin my life by focusing on the positives in my life, although it's not always easy.
Thanks for being so honest Maria. I think you're right, your father's drinking has a lot to do with his anger. It's a shame he has no understanding of his behaviour and why his behaviour has an affect in the way it does on your and your siblings. It's no excuse but at least you know why. You've made the correlation.
I can understand your frustrations having CP myself. I also understand why you may get angry too. You don't sit back and let it happen and that is commendable. Keep up the good fight.