The more we grapple with insecurities, the more we will lose the ability to believe in our abilities, the more insecure we will be and the more we will ignore how we feel.
But feeling insecure means we will take the love and care that we can, disregard both and then look for more. Looking to others to make us feel secure, or looking for a solution from others without us helping ourselves, will stop us from working on and fixing any insecurities.
The lessons we ignore as children, because we're not paying attention, or we don't understand will stop us from becoming confident adults and can make us feel insecure. No matter how hard it is, it is important we deal with our insecurities.
The nature of insecurities and how they work, means they will take up residence in other areas of our lives, if we don't deal with them.
I'm sure that it is my insecurities that keep me paralyzed with fear right now, not wanting to be where I am, but more afraid of leaving and ending up walking out with pretty much just the shirt on my back.
Why am I so damn afraid of being alone, when it would be so much better than what I'm dealing with right now? It's illogical, especially since I have tolerated it for 12 years when most people wouldn't put up with being treated badly for 5 minutes!
I have learned that there are a lot of things that I can do, but why am I so focused on the things I can't do?
These were insecurities that were embedded into my psyche by my mother who didn't want to let me go, which is why I have repeated the pattern over and over again, but just with different women.
People don't have any idea of how horrible it is, to be subjected to what amounts to torture and brainwashing when you're a child.
I never really did understand what was going on, but by the time I learned what was happening, it was far too late and my mother had succeeded in breaking my spirit.
I don't my mother was even capable of understanding what she had done to her own children, due to her mental health issues and having the mentality of a 10 year old, which we only found out later on.
She wasn't an evil person, but lacked the comprehension skills to fully understand what she was doing at times, by trying to control us.
She expected me to be her emotional teddy bear and work on making her happy, which became a lost cause seeing as she wasn't ever happy, no matter what I did.
This is the biggest insecurity I need to overcome before I can finally live my own life.
Thanks Randy. You have so much understanding about your mum now, enough for you to let this issue go.
It's sad for your mum that her issues were never picked up, particularly because she had a mentality of a 10 year old. Sadly, your life will never have been any different. It's hard for you, but also hard for you mum.
It was your father who could have made a difference, but didn't. The way I see it, your gripe should be with your father, not so much your mother. Your mum needed help. Now that you have a little more understanding perhaps you can let this go.
I think sometimes the people around us make what we deal with worse. We need people who have empathy and compassion and who want to understand. I also believe it'll be another reason why you continue to struggle with insecurities and why you can't let go.
As you say you know you'd be much better off by yourself. You may never get past your insecurities and your life will never change without making different choices to free you from the emotional stress you continue to put yourself through.