Just thinking about trying to get out of the house with Covid-19, to get back into my life is sending my head into a tailspin. No matter how many times I look at this, the result is the same. I can’t seem to get past this point.

Feeling Permanently Stuck

I feel permanently stuck. Yes, the semi-rationale part of my brain knows that lock down is easing, but with more known about the virus and the fact that Japanese scientists think it is airborne and I am moderate risk; I am reluctant to go out.

Autism Means not Being able to Rationale

It’s not that those of us with autism don’t trust others telling us things will be okay, autism is about us not being able to rationale, to know others will get things right that they will protect and keep us safe.

Autism and Second Guessing

Autism doesn't stop the anxiety, or the worry Autism doesn't stop us backing out because we’re too nervous to go through with something others have said will be okay. I hate how it makes me over-think, second guessing everything.

I hate not having the control to make a decision and stick with it. I hate not knowing I had autism, struggling through school, struggling through life, having to deal with disabilities I didn't know I had, and now having to live with and deal with both through the pandemic.

Governments 'assume'

Now governments are assuming we're all the same, that it's a matter of us just getting out there and as long as we keep the 2-metres distance, and we're masked up everything will be okay To someone with 'normal' thinking that's okay. Tell that to someone with a disability who struggles mentally and emotionally just to step out the front door.

Ilana Estelle is a mental health and wellbeing advocate who combines educational insight with her personal experience of living with physical, mental, and emotional disabilities. She holds diplomas in Counselling, Diet and Nutrition, Nutritional Therapy, Psychotherapy and Counselling, and Stress Management. Through her writing, Ilana supports others in navigating their emotional, mental, and physical health challenges. In addition to writing for The CP Diary, her work has appeared in healthy lifestyle magazines. Ilana is also the author of three books: Cerebral Palsy: A Story – Finding the Calm After the Storm, Spirituality, Healing and Me, and Survival: The Covid Years – Time for Change.

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2 comments on “How Autism Locks me In”

  1. The coronavirus pandemic is like nothing we have experienced, so it is not surprising that feelings of anxiety are common.

    As you say the one size fits all approach isn't helpful and I imagine it is scary for you, with everything you deal with.

    Take things at your own pace and if people can't accommodate you and make you feel safe, then don't stress over it, just take a step back until you feel more comfortable.

    No one can tell you how to feel.

    1. Thank you. It is scary for me. Funnily, the same issue was mentioned on the news tonight, about the pandemic and those of us with a disability.

      Scary is right. Yes, I am trying to take a step back. Small steps, but nothing significant yet.

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