The neglect, my emotional and physical difficulties and not knowing I had Cerebral Palsy made me angry as a child and years on I’m still having to work through my symptoms.
If I wasn't angry, I wouldn't have been normal. My anger made me a scapegoat for everything. It was easy to blame me because I was the angry child. It also made it more plausible that I would be to blame when things went wrong, because I was angry. I was a good child who was continually misunderstood.
I could have been bitter at the cards I’d been dealt, but I wasn’t, I was angry. I was good at internalising everything, putting my own slant on my experiences, working through my bad days, believing that one day my time would come that I would eventually have a diagnosis.
I believed it was only a matter of time and I would get to find out. I never unconsciously gave up hope and that kept me grounded, it also kept me going. It's not to say those close didn't think me bitter.
I never felt bad or asked why me, I remember thinking why not me. I wasn't bitter, but I was continually being misunderstood.
Yes, so very true. I was angry most of the time as a kid, mostly because I didn't know what was going on. We weren't exactly encouraged or allowed to express our feelings, so they often came out sideways; as in my case where I was prone to blinding rages, which my parents totally ignored.
I was the type of kid who normally ends up doing a school shooting, because of being bullied in school constantly who just snapped all of a sudden! People must have known what it was like for us kids, but never stepped in to save us; which is what angers me the most out of everything that happened.
One of my uncles said recently that they often didn't even know where we were, which I took as a flimsy excuse. It just would have been nice to know that somebody gave a damn about us as kids instead of, even now, still feeling like nobody gives a damn.
As sad as this is going to sound Randy, as long as you give a damn that's all that matters.
We can't ask family to care, but we can care for ourselves, make ourselves stronger and change our children's lives.
It took me a lot of years to understand that concept, but it didn't stop others blaming me for the way I was. I am sure you must have got that too.
I can understand your anger at where your parents and siblings put you. You couldn't be criticised if you did feel bitter, but as you write all the time, bitterness is a very negative feeling that doesn't achieve anything and can be harmful.
The responsibility for those feelings is someone else's and not yours to own.
I absolutely agree with you and yes you're right. My writing helps me bring about understanding and closure in what we're difficult times.
For those who are responsible, they must be mature enough to understand how they could have done things better. That is so important. I know and you're right those feelings aren't for me to own.
It just depends on whether those responsible accept they own the deed. That's the million dollar question.