"It frustrates the hell out of me to know that I had autism all along, particularly because a diagnosis as a child would have made my schooling easier. Questions were being asked by consultants about my intelligence. I've been let down. I failed in school and carried guilt for 25 years, because I felt I’d let myself down. I couldn't get past that.
Those tapes kept playing in my head. And with an autism diagnosis now officially confirmed, I still have to deal with anxiety. What the diagnosis does is put all of my experiences into context. Difficult to comprehend this was my life, made worse because I was continually battling what felt like anxiety – anxiety that I didn't know I had.
The hard part is knowing this is what I have now, aged 56. Although it answers the questions to my neurological struggles and it's something I needed to know it doesn’t take away the anger and frustrations of being told there was nothing wrong with me growing up and that I needed to get on with my life.
I did get on with my life. I became a writer and an author, but to now know it was autism does make my experiences even more incomprehensible. But it’s the last piece of a 9 year very long extended jigsaw from my initial cerebral palsy diagnosis at the age of 46. I need to find an acceptance on it."
Yes, it would have been great if they had diagnosed your condition at an earlier age, when you would have been able to do more to deal with it.
For me it would have been nice to know that I wasn't really stupid, but just had mental health issues that needed to be addressed.
I tried very hard not to be anything like my parents, but in the end I turned out to be just like them and so much worse, in my mind.
I have been dealing with a mountain of guilt, shame and remorse, most of which wasn't mine to begin with that has kept me paralyzed and afraid for most of my life.
Only now am I gaining the strength to finally deal with all of that and move on with my life.
Thanks Randy. Yes, my life would have been easier, particularly around school and college, knowing about autism.
For any child with any form of mental health issue, it's important their needs are dealt with. I never saw myself as stupid, I just knew I struggled. I can understand why you would have thought that.
I promise you that you're far from how you thought you were.
This is some jigsaw you were handed! You have suspected a neurological condition and I am pleased your autism diagnosis has finally been confirmed. It lays to rest the guilt you have carried, which should have been placed at someone else's door, not yours.
I think I have said before that the universe had this plan for you for good reason, and you prove the universe right every day.
Your response is kind. I'm perfectly happy to know. I needed to know.
An autism diagnosis is worth its weight in gold. I can have closure now and yes, I'm not stupid, or mad. Just different.