It’s been important for me to separate responsibility from explanation. Working things out and having an explanation doesn't erase others' choices, but it can remove unfair blame for choices of a life you've had to live that were outside your control.
That, in the longer term, can be incredibly freeing.
As I continue to write, to look back on my history, I call a spade a spade. I own what’s mine to own and hand back what isn’t so that I sit in “my truth.” Over the years I’ve had to create coping strategies, problem solving skills, and persistence. Without which I would have failed to get this far and will have already succumbed to illness.
My past has set the bar differently. It has veered me on a much healthier path.
Through 15 years of writing, I have been slowly building a new narrative, instead of deleting the old one. Deletion isn’t an option. This has spanned decades. And while my disability was never accepted, discussed, or talked about, it isn't mine to own.
“My life story didn’t change – my understanding of it did.”
Everything is clear. The events are as they are, the understanding is clear.
My past explains me, but it doesn’t define me.
The knowledge I have now makes the next chapter much easier because I am finally working with the correct map. That is what The CP Diary has done and continues to do.
I’m no longer carrying what was never mine to hold.
