When mum was terminally she was aware she wasn't going to live and wanted to tell me about my disability before it was too late for me to know.
Although it was difficult to hear her words, 'it was a difficult birth' I didn’t equate her words fully, but after she passed a few months later, her words resonated deeply and I knew it was time to sort out my disability.
Cerebral Palsy 'A Story'
In my first book Cerebral Palsy: ‘A Story’ I piece my disability together and although I was never able to have a conversation about my disability with either parent about what happened, I was respectful of their choices.
A 'spiritual sign' mum approved
So, on completing the edits for my second book, 'Spirituality, Healing and Me' there was a distinct perfume smell in my hallway that could only have come through spirit. A validation from mum that she is okay with everything. As I sit and write, mum sits with me. She knows every word I write is true and validates my second book, due out in September 2021.
I cannot turn back the clock on what and how things happened, but the way I see it, you can either do nothing and sink, or swim and bring understanding.
Starting The CP Diary
I started The CP Diary, so that I could bring understanding, but also needed a platform that was self-contained that would allow me to piece my disability together, a book was the perfect platform.
Through readings, mum now continues to champion what I do from a distance and is on board with my writing. Through my courage, she has healed and I couldn't be happier. She now comes from a place of compassion, kindness and love.
Mum's parting words
Mum's parting words paved the way for me to find out and for me to bring clarity for the first time on a disability lost and found, which I continue to do with her blessing. Seven years into my blog, and I penned pen to paper and Cerebral Palsy: ‘A Story’ was born.
It is a non-judgmental account of living with a disability I didn't know I had. It is a book that brings about understanding and a greater sense of clarity that can bring clarity to others too.
If you fancy reading either of my books, you can grab paperback and Kindle copies on Amazon, or through the following link https://linktr.ee/Ilana_Estelle
Reading your blogs and you wonderful book, I have no doubt that your mum wanted you to find out about your disability, but felt for her own reasons, she was unable to. She will be looking down and she will be proud of everything you have done and rightly so.
All of your experiences can resonate with others and I want to thoroughly recommend your book to everyone. It is an an amazing story; informative and uplifting and above all a story of positivity in the face of adversity.
Everyone should buy a copy and treasure it, as I have.
Thank you!!! I am happy to leave your response with you and thank you for your kind words.
To those who have struggled, or who struggle and still continue to struggle, and even if you haven't struggled, but you just want something to read that's uplifting, Cerebral Palsy 'A Story' will be a perfect fit for you.
As it has changed my life, it can change your lives too.
It would have also been great for me to have had the chance to have a long conversation with my parents, but that wasn't possible, seeing as they both blamed each other and never accepted responsibility for anything.
I'm sure the reason I have had such a hard time even contemplating writing my story, was how harshly my mother reinforced the ideal of 'don't talk, don't tell.'
Even now, I know it's going to cause many sleepless nights, but it isn't like I'm sleeping well right now. Far too much going on in my head, so getting rid of a lot of it would definitely help me to sleep better.
I can only hope and pray that it will to exorcise the demons that have plagued me for so long.
Thanks Randy. These are unprecedented difficult times. Yes, when we can bring understanding into the equation we fair better.
But if you were to look at this another way. Your parents have paved the way for you not to parent as they have, but to follow your own path.
Speaking from my own experiences, I know you'll feel better getting a lot of what you feel off your chest.
Whilst we cannot change what our parents have done, we can change how we think about what they have done and choose to parent differently.