"I was always aware I was different. My parents parenting made me different. For me, there was something about my eyes I didn't like. Fast forward to January 2019 and with autism testing behind me, it's in the eyes and the facial muscles. Now with a year into my autism diagnosis, I’ve got some mental catching up to do. As a child, it’s something I would often go back to, something I never quite understood.
The more I challenged myself to get past how 'I looked' – it stayed a challenge. When it came to the communication and social side, trying to fit in is something I still struggle with. Autism is a mental illness, those close to me should be fitting in around me.
I find it difficult to look at myself in photographs. My eyes and face tell a story. My face is expressionless. It would be difficult for others to gage from my face how I feel. The term they use is ‘blunt affect’ which is common for those on the spectrum.
Considering I only found out that I had autism at age 56, like cerebral palsy, autism is my nemesis, it is the reason I am continually judged. It's also the reason I missed out on my milestones. It does allow me to write, though, and I am grateful for that."
Yes, it's also called 'flat affect' and something I came to know well when dealing with my niece.
It took a lot for her to have any reaction to things going on around her. I imagine that I could relate in a lot of ways since I have had to deal with the same issue, except mine stemmed from being desensitized by such a traumatic childhood.
People expect you to have certain reactions to events going on around you. The sad part is that it covers both sides of the spectrum seeing as you don't often feel the good things either, and usually end up not feeling anything at all either way.
Thanks Randy. Yes, it is always difficult being different. But when you say, 'the sad part is that it covers both sides of the spectrum seeing as you don't often feel the good things either' - you're absolutely spot on.
Finding out I had a disability years on after my initial diagnosis as a child, I always thought my inability to feel was down to cerebral palsy.
OMG, how does getting to this place and what I know now work?