Being born with a disability and being kept in the dark about it for 46 years, meant there would be no getting away from my emotions being impacted.
Every struggle, every fear, all the anxiety and stress brought about through my neurological impairments, could have been limited with help and support. Years of bad thoughts could have been avoided. Stress, having to do my exercises, could have been limited, if I'd have known why I was being pushed.
I understand now why my mum wanted me to do my exercises. Sadly, wanting to talk about my disability and being told there was nothing wrong set the tone. It was my ability to rationale that got me through. My inner thoughts became my friend.
Although it was never said, it became obvious that a decision had been taken to ignore my disability, instead of making what I dealt with, inclusive for the family to help me deal with.
Thinking none of us knew what was wrong softened the blow and I could cope, but then imagine then finding out at 48, there was a diagnosis. I had become even more exposed, than I thought I was.
Through my writing, I find understanding. My writing has helped me make sense of the early years, for me to rationale. For the first time I am finally able to make sense of things.
Yes, it would be so very helpful if I could make some sense out of my experiences, when most of the time they don't make any sense at all.
The unwritten rule in my house seemed to be that there wasn't anything wrong even though we had the whole herd of elephants stampeding through our living room. My parents ignored their own issues, so it made sense that they would act like ours didn't exist either.
My biggest issue was and always has been that I didn't want to be anything like them, but ended up being just like both of them and so much worse. I have wasted so much of my life torturing myself over this, but I can't change the past as much as I wish I could.
I can only work on dealing with the issues and emotion I have avoided for so many years, to try making the best of what time I do have left.
I think where you say, 'I have wasted so much of my life torturing myself over this' and that's what we all do when we're not settled with what's past.
I used to do the same over my education when I realised that failing had nothing to do with me and everything to do with my parents.
I have learned that we can either continue to torment and torture ourselves over the guilt we feel, or we can let go and know that karma will change any wrongdoing.
We must all work on our emotions and continue to deal with those around our experiences. So important.
By reflex you visit your formative years, there's no doubt about that. And every time you visit you come back stronger and stronger.
Nothing has disrupted what you've been able to do. I get a little emotional about that.
Thanks Tim. That's so nice of you. Yes, if those close to me had chosen reflection, how different my life would have been.
I guess my inner voice just wasn't ready to throw in the towel. I know that if more of us managed to use 'reflection' as a healing tool, we'd deal with less depression and mental illness.
The mind sadly if not nurtured or understood will work against. But we need to rely on ourselves more rather than wait for others to come forward and help.