Like many who have been affected by suicide, I have also experienced its profound impact. While I don't often talk about it, this blog is for everyone touched by suicide.
Like the circumstances around my disability which I have also been touched by, there is stigma, anger, hurt and pain. When it comes to grief through suicide, we may come to a significant realisation about how avoidance is tied to our fear of losing control over the narrative we build to make sense of loved ones who pass through suicide. The narrative we take—our explanation for why a loved one takes their own life is essential – because it provides us with a sense of understanding, and possibly a way to process and cope with the immense pain of loss.
Suicide is bewildering – it leaves many unanswered questions
Suicide is bewildering, it leaves behind many unanswered questions. The explanation we arrive at likely helps us to feel some comfort in the face of the chaos that our loved one's death may have caused. It gives us a framework to believe, that in some way, we understood the suffering, the motives, and ultimately, our loved one's decision. In turn, this gives us a sense of connection, reinforcing our belief that we knew our loved one well, despite the circumstances surrounding their death.
Their actions can be intensifying
Losing that explanation – whether through new information, changes in perspective, or even just the natural evolution of grief – can feel like losing our connection to them again. It might make their actions feel even more incomprehensible, intensifying feelings of guilt, confusion and helplessness. That fear can fuel our avoidance because confronting the possibility that we might not fully understand why they made that choice, would mean confronting even deeper layers of grief and uncertainty.
Suicide: trying to preserve our relationship
My explanation of suicide isn’t just about understanding why a loved one may choose to end their life. It’s also about preserving our connection with them and protecting ourselves from further emotional pain. Accepting suicide relies on a sense of certainty, and the fear of losing that certainty can feel like losing our loved one all over again.
