We will come across people in our lives who don't see their own behaviour and also don’t see an issue with their actions, but it will be pretty clear to us.
It’s also not something we can challenge, if they don't see their actions, but if it's something we’ve already surmised, the issue is clearly there. People either don’t lay claim to their actions because it’s easier, or they simply choose to ignore what they've done, because they aren't bothered to deal with it. Either way it wouldn't be our issue to accept.
On our part, we must learn to navigate interactions with people who at times can seem impossible to deal with, so that we preserve our own sanity. Of course, if we see a problem in someone’s actions, the odds are others will too. Perhaps those others aren’t interested in admitting there could be something wrong with the other person’s actions.
Pride comes before a fall and if that is the case, inevitably the fall will come anyway. There could of course be an underlying issue we’ve failed to recognise that is responsible for their actions, but that is something they would need to explain.
It’s important not to take what anyone says personally, particularly if their behaviour or words are hurtful. Anything that's said with malicious intent, is usually said because that person is having a hard time. It has nothing to do with us or how they feel about us. It’s usually about how they feel about themselves.
For us it would be important to say what we feel about their actions. When we put the truth out, somehow the universe finds a way to balance it. That is what matters.
It does seem like so many people choose to live with blinders on and those rose colored glasses that people speak of.
A prime example is my niece's father who refuses to at least acknowledge she has Asperger's, since he has so many of the characteristic's himself. My girlfriend is now upset at one of her lies that he is oblivious to that she now has to address even though she has a migraine.
Of course this is also her choice since she herself chooses to get in the middle of other people's problems and makes her own life so much more chaotic. The hard part, especially for my girlfriend, is to know when to let go and allow the chips to fall where they may!
One thing it does say in the AA book is about the what the two greatest sins are: To stand in the way of someone else's growth, or; to stand in the way of your own growth! This is one of so many lessons that needs to be learned, in that we can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. It's like trying to rescue someone from drowning who is fighting you every step of the way. There comes a point where a lifeguard has to decide whether to keep trying to save them and drown with them, or let them go to save themselves.
My niece is a smart girl,and she does have Aspergers, but if she chooses to burn this bridge with my girlfriend, she's going to end up all alone, since her dad won't tolerate her behaviour forever.
My point being is that I have had to learn that very hard lesson, even with my own family members. My girlfriend has been offering help for the past 5 years, since my sister left, but her Dad has ultimately chosen to do what he wanted to do,so it has really been a losing battle, which my girlfriend refuses to see.
I do love my niece and feel very badly for her, but her Dad has the final say, since he is her father. It may not be what we consider the right way to deal with her, but we aren't her parents so we have to back off at some point.
I am just so very tired and have enough of my own issues to deal with right now that I can't afford to give all of my time and attention to my niece, if she isn't going to listen anyway either.
I'm not a religious person, I don't believe in religion myself, but my mum used to quote me something growing up, which went something like this. 'God helps those who help themselves' and I believe that to be true.
When we learn to help ourselves, things usually turn out okay. Your niece and her father have a history together and for that reason alone, it's not always a good idea for others to get involved, because eventually we will become the bad ones.
Although your niece has Aspergers which makes this more difficult, it's up to her biological parents to sort her out. It may be slightly different if your niece is asking for help, but if she's not, the whole thing could backfire, particularly if your niece's parents eventually come back on to the scene.
I personally would choose to walk away from the whole emotional thing. Other people's issues are for them to sort out. I'll choose to stick with and deal with my own issues; but I won't be blamed for anyone's behaviour which I know I haven't contributed to.
Some people's issues are like heavy chains that wrap around their own necks and I don't get too close to that. I have enough weighing me down as it is.
Thanks Tim. Yes I couldn't agree more. I am not sure how aware other people are of their issues or chains, but an outsider who is clued up can often sense or see it.
I tend to work things out as I go so I don't hold on to issues. I don't get too close to other people's issues either, because there's usually an invisible thread that hones us in; if we get too close.
I've come across quite a few people in my time who wont admit they're at fault and instead choose to lay the blame at others instead.
It doesn't help in the longer term of course, as denial will alway catch up with us.
Yes, I've nothing more that I need to add. Thank you.