Much of what I write on The CP Diary comes from my own experiences. When someone deliberately chooses silence as a way to express disapproval or contempt, it can create unnecessary tension.
More often than not, it’s not about what you’ve said or done, but rather how they’ve chosen to react. Avoiding a conversation that involves two people adds to the drama and doesn't resolve anything. Anyone that ignores and chooses not to talk to someone has a complete disregard for themselves and someone else’s feelings – and says everything about them.
The Silent Treatment
When anyone uses the silent treatment, they're telling the other person, they don’t care enough to come back in, or to sort the problem out. The silent treatment gives the other person initially control of the situation, allows them to become the victim, and making the other person's feelings irrelevant.
Silent Treatment and Narcissistic Behaviour
The silent treatment, is typical narcissistic behaviour, which takes the form of ostracism, exclusion and banishment. It's a mind game, used as a form of psychological manipulation.
If you are on the receiving end it can be difficult – it is important to understand, and not take what has happened personally. Remember it's not about you, it's about the other person's self-worth. They're simply making 'it' about you.
My mother was an expert at the silent treatment. It was ridiculous how one minute she was caring and compassionate and the next she was acting like I didn't exist.
She expected me to do her bidding and if I didn't, she wouldn't hesitate to pick me up on it. Also, we weren't supposed to talk about anything, such as the herd of elephants that were stampeding through our living room.
It never made any sense, since I was more than willing to do whatever she wanted, but that never seemed to matter.
Thanks Randy. Yes, dysfunctional families will always have 'the silent treatment' to deal with. It's the nature of what dysfunctional is.
What I find irritating is that it takes more energy to work through and be on the receiving end of that kind of treatment, when it can be resolved in two minutes just by everyone talking about the issues.
Anyone who puts up with abuse behaviour such as that and who are not saying or doing anything about it, are literally dragging their emotions inwards.
I have seen first hand what happens when someone is often on the receiving end of the silent treatment and it doesn't end well.
I agree with you on one level and that's the one you're describing here. On another level it's different.
We have resorted to doing just this with our son. He wants an argument. He tries to engage people into arguing with him. He reads facial expressions and body language and seems to enjoy having melt downs and sometimes they are very severe and it's only been getting more intense.
For example, last Sunday, he came to me and ask when Crystal (his ABA therapist) and Delaney (his CNA) were coming. I said they weren't going to be here until Monday because it was their day off.
My son then had a small melt down. 10 minutes later he comes in the kitchen and asked me the same question again and once again he got the same response, so he had another tantrum. Stomping off, screaming and throwing things and being verbal some.
This lasted another 10 minutes or so. And then he repeated the question again. This time I ignored him completely. I didn't look at him and didn't say anything.
He was slightly upset with me and kept asking the same question, almost like begging me for the answer. After he figured out he couldn't have the response, he did a 360° turn around and didn't repeat the action. He played happily and I gave him plenty of attention then.
The next day his therapist came. I explained what happened. She in turn repeated the action when he started getting upset for no reason and after a while he was fine again. Bingo!! This was the first thing in over a year we have found that works for him.
His tantrums get so severe. He screams, hits kicks, bites, throws things, and is destructive during a severe melt down. None of this happens so far when we ignore his behavior.
Thanks Lisa. Yes, it's hard when any child throws a tantrum, more so when they deal with something they're not always fully in control of. I get you.
I know you've mentioned your son's difficulties. It's always difficult to know how much is down to what he deals with and how much is 'naughty and learned behaviour.'
As a parent it's difficult to find a balance, but finding what works is half the battle. It's never easy to know how far you should go, it often takes time to work itself through.
No child is text-book case, their issues are all different, when different parts of the brain are affected. I am pleased you have found something that works and whilst it does you can stick to the winning formulation.