Music has a way of connecting us to emotions that words cannot always express. A song can bring back memories, experiences and feelings that have stayed with us, sometimes for years.
Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven, written following the tragic death of his young son years ago, is one of those songs for me. It speaks of loss, love and the questions that remain when someone we love is no longer here.
Having experienced the tragic loss of my twin, his song resonates with me personally. Although our circumstances are different, I understand how grief can remain part of our lives, influencing our emotions and the way we remember the past.
But the song also makes me reflect on my childhood, growing up with a disability I didn't know I had, and the emotional impact of experiences I couldn't fully understand at the time.
Living with a disability is not simply about its physical challenges. It is also about other people's perceptions, relationships, and the understanding and support we receive, or sometimes don't receive.
Looking back, I recognise the conversations that never happened, the understanding that was missing and the opportunities to feel heard that cannot now be recreated. There is a sadness in recognising what was absent, particularly when those experiences shaped my confidence, and sense of self.
It is a different kind of grief from losing someone we love, but it is still grief. It is about acknowledging the childhood we experienced, the circumstances we couldn't control and the life we might have known had things been different.
As we grow older, reflection brings greater clarity. It's how I write. Through reflection, we can begin to recognise just how our early experiences shaped us and why certain feelings remain. I don't believe you ever walk past those feelings for long and if you do, they inevitably do come back. Understanding doesn't change what happened, but it can change how we relate to those experiences.
For me, The CP Diary is about finding that understanding. It is about giving a voice to experiences that weren't known, and recognising that emotional wellbeing matters just as much as physical health.
Tears in Heaven reminds me that grief takes different forms, and that loss, love and memory remain part of our past. Finding peace isn't about forgetting the past. It is about understanding its emotional impact and learning to live alongside what we cannot change.
I allow myself to look back. Sometimes, that understanding begins simply by allowing ourselves to look back.
