"I’ve been in counselling for many years, more than I care to remember. It was a big decision for me to make. I remember telling my father years ago and he didn’t flinch, other than to offer to pay for the first session. I was annoyed he didn’t care to get it.
Many of you may take positive things from your counselling sessions, some of you may not take anything at all, some of you may see counselling as negative before you begin to feel or seem more positive. Or maybe you feel confused; upset, or annoyed. I didn't manage to clear any of my issues, because there were no strategies in place. It was more like a chat with a friend. It also didn't help that I didn't know I had cerebral palsy or autism at the time.
I'm now in CBT for autism and anxiety and that's much better. Looking back on those years, in my sessions I continually talked about the barriers and found very little comfort of not being able to find a way through."
I just remember my father asking me 'Why did you do it?' after my first serious suicide attempt and if he didn't understand why, I knew there wasn't any way I could have explained it to him.
Suffice to say, I didn't go for any counselling at that time, since their concern was always how much it would cost, and that was one of a million reasons I had tried to kill myself in the first place. Maybe if I had done it then, my life would have turned out completely different, but it isn't something I can worry about anymore now.
I find myself very frustrated and disillusioned, since I have been going to counselling on and off for 20+ years and I'm still no better off than if I hadn't had counselling. The reality is that there have always been things that I have held back on and not wanted to talk about like certain periods of my childhood.
My dad was always negative and discouraging about anything like going to see a psychiatrist or a counsellor, which was one thing my mother seriously needed. She had some very serious mental health issues like Munchausen's and depression, along with having the mentality of a 10 year old, which we didn't find out until a few years before her death.
It was a nightmare that my siblings and I shouldn't have been forced to go through, but we did and it's the only reason I know that I'm not completely insane, since they can attest to the fact that it happened.
At 50 years old, I am forced to look at and deal with the insanity that was my childhood, which I have to do alone, seeing as I'm trapped in a toxic relationship, because of 'mommy issues' that I have struggled with all along.
Now that you mention it, I do have many thoughts on counselling and what I should have done to change things. One thing that has actually helped me a lot more has been going through DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) classes which I always assumed was more for people with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).
It turns out that it is something I would recommend for anyone with mental health issues, since it actually has a lot more to do with life skills which is what has been missing in my life all along.
I'm just amazed how much of a difference it has made in my life even thought I don't always realize I'm using the skills I've learned. I now have to work harder to break down those walls and find a way to mute those voices in my head that keep telling me things like I'm not worthy.
My counsellor actually teaches DBT, so I'm finally making progress which is truly fantastic!
Thanks Randy. Progress is good. I'm pleased you have found a therapy that works for you.
Although Dialectical Behavior Therapy is designed to help people suffering from borderline personality disorder, it's also used to treat mood disorders, as well as those who need to change patterns of behaviour, such as self-harm and substance abuse.
It sounds as though your parents' troubles ran far deeper than you or your siblings would have ever known Randy. It's not right that your mum's parents didn't sort out your mum's mental problems, because those sadly then became yours.
And that can never works. I love and am pleased you're being pro-active and getting the help with DBT and it's working for you.