Since my autism diagnosis was confirmed on the 11th January, I have been thinking more about my experiences. With or without autism, it is important to question your thinking around your experiences, so that you are able to bring understanding. With everything you deal with, you have to have understanding of what you deal with.
Autism and Black and White Scenarios
With autism, I work with black and white scenarios. Someone is kind or they're not, they want to help or they don't, something either works or it doesn’t. The grey area is usually the area where we can't find a resolve or understanding on a situation.
Autism and Anxiety
Although that would often be straight forward to a non-autism brain, with autism it can bring about anxiety, where we can’t see the wood for the trees and we get anxious or concerned. We know what we’re told, but we don’t understand and find it difficult to pay attention to what’s being said, or what that means.
Missing the Signs
Until I began to question my experiences, and found a way to understand what my experiences meant, I continually missed the signs and would re-read situations and my experiences differently. As a child, not knowing I had a disability and trying to fit in, I accepted others had my back. I was too trusting looking back.
Compartmentalise your Experiences
Since starting my diary journey with cerebral palsy and autism, I have gradually learned to compartmentalise my experiences and reflect on their meaning. With time, I’ve come to see the value in examining the outcomes of those experiences – what they have taught me and how they have shaped my perspective. I have also begun to reassess the roles people have played.
Conclusion
Ultimately, making sense of these moments have brought clarity. It allows me to decide how I carry them forward, learning from the lessons they hold, while choosing what no longer serves me. It is important through our experiences we are able to look more closely at those outcomes, and make our minds up about those who have played their part in our lives.
Missing the signs would make a great title for a book I should write, seeing as I have missed so many of them in my lifetime.
Looking back, it makes perfect sense, as I was brainwashed with so many mixed messages as a kid that I didn't know what was good or bad, or right or wrong.
My mother would be preaching about one thing or another, but totally contradicting herself at other times and my dad would be oblivious and telling us how crazy she was.
It was like living in the tv series 'Shameless' where the chaos and insanity was supposed to be a normal thing when there really wasn't any need for it.
I'm only just now at the age of 50 years, trying to figure out the differences and realize that it is okay for me to think my own thoughts and believe in what I want to believe in.
Thanks Randy. Yes, back then you couldn't change anything, but you're not in that place anymore. It's up to you now how you change your life.
I didn't get my life either. I think that was part of the problem and why I also missed the signs. Fast forward to where we are now, it's easy to look back and understand our life.
You always eloquently talk about your experiences. But rather than stay stuck in those times it's important to move on.
You seem to have conquered the gray areas on your own, standing face to face with autism and everything else.
You have confronted your personal monsters well Ilana, remember that.
Thanks Tim. That's kind. When you put it like that, I have and you're right, but because I have so many things that I continually have to deal with, I lose sight of how far I've come.
Truthfully, the more others are accepting of those of us with autism, the easier people like me will adapt into what we have to deal with.
I tend to take a lot of steps back in those moments when the acceptance isn't there. I've had many years of non-acceptance.