I've learned the hard way just how cruel life can be. When I look back on my life up to this point, I can see all the turns I've had to take just to survive. I didn't really understand the turns or what they meant because I had no road map, but looking back, I can see how important it was that I took them. Survival isn't simply about getting through life. For me, it has been about trying to understand the life I've had to navigate alone with what I later learned was a disability, while trying to understand myself within it.
To learn is to come to understand about 'me' and why being honest, and open is the most important gift to myself. I have come to realise just how much that matters.“If we cannot be honest with ourselves, how can we ever truly understand who we are? Being open and honest with ourselves gives us the opportunity to look at our experiences in the whole – so that we can make better choices moving forward.
I heard mum once say 'you get one crack at life,' I never paid attention to her words, until I realised I would have no peace without piecing my life together. A jigsaw that would take six decades. I also believe we get one crack at life, but to do that successfully we need to first know who we are.
For me, freedom is knowing who I am. To know what has shaped me – what I've had to deal with.
I am doing that – I have done that.
In looking back I am now seeing things I couldn't always see while I was living through them. It has helped me to understand why honesty and openness have become so important.
The CP Diary is my understanding.
My experiences are mine, but what I have learned through them has given me something I can give back. My writing gives back. It also allows me to reflect on what life has taught me and on what I have had to learn about myself.
We all have a right to know ourselves.
For me, that has been fundamental. Knowing ourselves gives us something that circumstances cannot give us: an understanding of who we are.
I cannot know what another person will take from my words, because their experiences belong to them just as mine belong to me.
But perhaps something in my understanding will resonate with something in theirs.
