"It wasn’t just living in the dark, yes there was that, but others thinking it was okay no to address or talk about a disability I didn't know I had has been my biggest struggle – having to work blindly up to my diagnosis in my forties.
I have so many memories but my biggest memory was finding out I was pregnant for the first time and having no idea how things would work out with my disability. Before I got married, my father took me to see a specialist to ask whether having cerebral palsy would affect my ability to have children. It was an embarrassing experience – one that still makes me shudder at the thought.
Throughout my pregnancy, I was always aware of my physical struggles. Not knowing how I would cope made things even harder. We all have the right to understand what we’re dealing with – so we can feel more at ease and have control over how we manage ourselves.
I knew that giving birth was too important to make my issues the focus, so I continued to try to ignore it. Now I can’t believe I went through the experience of pregnancy, not knowing. I am angry that my parents knew I had cerebral palsy and yet they watched me go through two pregnancies without me even knowing I was disabled."
Yes, definitely the worst part was not having anybody there to help you figure things out, since they acted like you didn't have any problems.
It is trying to live with blinders on, which I feel like I have been doing my whole life. This is what I mean when I say that we were thrown to the wolves as kids, and just expected to know how to survive.
What kind of parents do this to their own children? It just boggles my mind, especially when others talk about how great their parents were. I can't relate. They had parents who were supportive and explained things to them.
I'm now 51 years old, and starting to think that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and don't feel so much like it's actually the train that's going to hit me.
I'm sure that is why we have connected so strongly, seeing as we both grew up in environments where people treated us like nothing was wrong with us, but quite obviously there was.
All I wanted from life was to be a better parent, than they were to me and I ended up becoming worse due to not dealing with my issues.
I have to live with the mistakes that I have made and find a way to move on which I feel like I can do with the help and support of amazing people like you.
I want to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin, even with the decisions I've made.
Thanks Randy. Yes, you were expected to survive on your own despite no help. I'm proud of you, proud of both of us.
It takes courage and determination to be able to succeed against the odds and still come out smiling, even though we know what's been done to us. But no matter how hard it's been, I have always looked to understand rather than judge.
I feel it is time to stop blaming yourself for your mistakes. The more you put what has happened to you on you, the more mistakes you will continue to make. Others must understand.
You struggled with your circumstances around your parents and with no support with what you had to deal with, you couldn't help your daughter. That's not the same as not wanting to help your daughter. It doesn't make you a bad person. If you could have done things differently you would.
It was up to your parents to give you the tools, so you could do the same for your daughter. Your daughter needs to know the circumstances, so she can understand and choose not to judge.