Seeing my father this afternoon put me in somewhat of a reflective mood. It has helped me understand him and his life a little more.
I feel it's important to understand how and why I got to this place with my disability and to challenge what I need to find out. Not everyone wants to change. Where I was angry for many years, it doesn’t take a genius to understand why.
We have always had a particular understanding between us, an unspoken word around my disability. I can't change others behaviour, but as I watch my father deteriorate, I genuinely want him to be okay, so that when the time comes for him to make his transition, it will go smoothly.
As I watch him from the other side of the room, he needs to let go of his guilt. The guilt he continues to live with. He has my permission now.
There was something that had happened to me and my father was the biggest reason I made the choice I made and I know it ate at him until he died.
I never talked to him about it and he didn't talk to me about it. I just know it really bothered him and I guess he felt guilty from it. But there wasn't anything I could have said or done to make him forget about it or not feel guilty.
I think he knows now that I don't blame him and I know he is happy and has been forgiven for his part in my decision.
Lisa it sounds as though whatever it was, you managed to sort it all out. That's good.
It's natural to be reflective at these times and usually this is a good thing.
I'm sure your dad understands your relationship as well as you understand him, even though he has never been able to say so.
It has taken me a while to work that this one out, but I totally agree and believe it.