Having gone through years of not knowing that I had Cerebral Palsy, it would be very easy for me to continue to see those people responsible negatively and in a bad light, but looking at the bigger picture I’m not sure how fair that would be.
Although on our part we would very much be warranted and in our rights to continue to feel animosity towards those significant others, I do believe that somewhere in their more lucid moments, they did care.
Yes, my Cerebral Palsy was ignored and living through ignorance, frustration and anger wasn’t right either, but looking at the bigger picture I know in my father’s own way he did care. For 46 years of my life, although he couldn’t talk about or deal with the fact that I had something wrong with me, for 15 of those years he took me to all my necessary hospital appointments.
I believe that if we individually separate incidences on what people do and don't do, it’s easier for us see the things that show us that they care, although I appreciate it may not be that way for everyone. It of course doesn’t cancel out the things that should have been addressed, but it does go some way for us to understand those incidences a little better.
When we fail to look at the bigger picture of what others deal with and why they are like they are, we will always see what they fail to do as negativity. I believe sometimes it’s important to balance our thinking, so that we come to understand a little more.
It doesn't excuse their behaviour and their lack of care, but it does go some way to explain their lack of care.
Yes, we should look at both sides of the whole picture.
Thanks Lisa. You're absolutely right. We should.
Yes, I knew at times my father cared, but the reality was that he could never make my mother happy so we were just along for the ride!
They both had their demons to deal with which they didn't, but back in that time (60's, 70's and 80's) those issues weren't dealt with anyway. Children shouldn't have to deal with a parent who has alcoholism or one who has severe mental health issues but that was the hand we were dealt.
They were like children who had children so it's not surprising things turned out the way they did! It would have been nice if things were different but I'm not Doctor Who and I don't have a tardis so that isn't going to happen!
Dealing with my father in the final throes of dementia has been challenging in ways that most people would judge me for the way I think about it. I don't hate my father, but once again it isn't fair that I have to deal with taking care of him.
I should probably write a book about things I've had to deal with since it would help to get all the noise out of my head and remind me that it wasn't all just a nightmare. The most I can do for him now is to make sure he gets a decent burial instead of just a pine box in an unmarked grave!
Thanks Randy. I hear you and understand you completely. Yes it's not easy being a child and dealing with grown ups who act like children.
You're right when you say your parents had their own demons to deal with, but you have come to understand your life in so many ways and still see through the chaos that you know your father still cared about you. Not many people get to see that.
I think it takes great strength of character to see that and that is what you have. It doesn't take away the pain of what you had to deal with, but at least it goes some way for you to understand.
I agree with your last sentence, it's all you can do. From my experience we continue until our circumstances change again, then we can bring closure.
Randy that time will come. It always does.
In his way your father clearly did care and perhaps he showed you that care in the way he was able to, but no more.
It always helps to see the bigger picture as this provides the balances and checks we need to be able to make the appropriate judgements.
Thanks. Yes and I agree.
There is always a bigger picture, it just takes a little time for us to see it.
It may be premature to pass judgment on people because the more we evolve the clearer the picture becomes. And to uncover the whole truth is not necessary all the time; but to forgive may be more significant than we think.
Your balance thinking approach is an illustration of tremendous growth.
Thanks Tim. Ditto on your thoughts. I agree.