Learning later about a disability I didn't know I had has been a turning point, because it has led me to understanding, growth and self-discovery. As a child I was mentally and emotionally struggling and rarely felt happy. I couldn’t understand the dissonance and disconnection between having what I had ignored and what I could see. We all have a right to know what we deal with growing up and to know who we are.

Forced to Confront my Demons

It was either confront my demons, or live in ignorance and struggle with mental health. In my formative years I did live in ignorance. Over the years, I've had to learn how to let go my old ways of thinking – I've had to be gentle with myself, and to acknowledge my emotional needs.

Learning to 'unlearn the narratives'

One of the most challenging parts of my life has been to unlearn what I learned as a child. I've had to unlearn the narratives that weren't acted on, the narratives that others knew about and ignored. I've had to learn to see myself in a whole new light, to see my resolve as a strength, rather than a weakness. I've had to take apart 'me' and rebuild a new version of me. My writing has helped me to do that.

I am aligned for the first time. For the first time I am living in sync with myself and with my physical, mental and emotional disability. I still have my ups and downs, but I feel more confident, because for the first time I understand and know who I am.

Ilana Estelle is a mental health and wellbeing advocate who combines educational insight with her personal experience of living with physical, mental, and emotional disabilities. She holds diplomas in Counselling, Diet and Nutrition, Nutritional Therapy, Psychotherapy and Counselling, and Stress Management. Through her writing, Ilana supports others in navigating their emotional, mental, and physical health challenges. In addition to writing for The CP Diary, her work has appeared in healthy lifestyle magazines. Ilana is also the author of three books: Cerebral Palsy: A Story – Finding the Calm After the Storm, Spirituality, Healing and Me, and Survival: The Covid Years – Time for Change.

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