It's been four months since my twin died and my health is totally different. I am struggling with what I have been told by a holistic practitioner, is a condition called Trigeminal Neuralgia, where each day has become a personal battle.
As a child I always felt my pain threshold was quite high, now it’s a zero, but perhaps that’s got more to do with the fact that the condition is in my head and therefore it’s become a continuous battle to keep the pain to a manageable level.
As a child I handled pain. I wasn’t a particularly sickly child, but there were occasions when I was physically sick and I needed to be mentally strong. Now is the time and truthfully I am mentally struggling. I do have feelings of dread, around a condition there seems to be little let up on.
I am throwing herbs and supplements at it. I'm also trying infrared treatment. I hope in a few weeks’ time I will look back and be thankful I got through the worst, but now is not that time.
When my dentist confirmed the tight ligament, he made sure to tell me, IT IS NOT A DISEASE, but he also didn’t say there was an end point either. No end point, fills me with a feeling of dread and a sense of uncertainty. A feeling of dread of something I momentarily that I have little control over.
Add Brexit and Covid-19 into the equation and that sense of dread deepens. All I can do is continue to think positively. I am trying. Today as you're reading, it's not a good day.
You have accomplished what most of us dream about, dreams that never ever come true.
It could be that you've already entered the doorway leading to your happiness, but tragedy is in your way.
I feel this because I've experienced that too. I'll leave it at that for now.
I understand. Writing 'my story' was born out of necessity, my struggles and I'm not seeing that as a success story because I still have struggles through the other end.
My books could be the pinnacle and the catalyst for change. They have changed me, and they have changed my perceptions. My view is clear, not murky now. My writing helps with that sense of dread.
If I had my time again I would do what I have done. And in the world, as long as you don't stand on other people's toes to write and get 'your story' out, others should be happy for you.
My health is currently making it difficult for me to think about the success element, but I'm not one to sing my own praises. Illness aside, perhaps that's what this is.