I have never changed my resolve to know and understand what I deal with. Although it has taken time, over the years I have come to accept cerebral palsy. It doesn’t change or define who I am, if anything, it has made my resolve stronger and me more determined. In the early years that would have been up for debate.
My Disability
Given my circumstances around my disability, accepting myself has been difficult, although I acknowledge, it has given me a life that has catapulted me into a different – a little more of a positive head space. I still have my limitations around a disability I didn't know about, but through the disability journey I now have more confidence and self-esteem.
Approval and love
In terms of others accepting me, I come from a place of approval for myself. A place where I continue to cultivate strength, positivity, hope and optimism through my work (writing) and around my experiences. Although it's taken years, through my writing, I have come to understand the detail behind my disability and it's not sitting pretty.
Learning to accept yourself
Learning to accept yourself, comes when you understand your life and why things happen in the way they do and being able to let go of someone else's guilt. When you look at the bigger picture of what is your life, instead of listening to others, who may continually place their guilt on you for something they've done or they haven't done, (neglect comes in here too) then you can be accepting of you.
I listen to my truth: Listen to your 'truth'
Listen to your truth and yourself and build on new opportunities that move you away from your old thinking and potentially those who have inflicted your thinking on you. The simple rule is to accept yourself, but to do that you need to learn to like yourself. Without 'like' there is no acceptance. I'm not to blame – I like myself – what I have a hard time with – is knowing the hurt, abuse and neglect over the decades was never acknowledged – no apology, no recognition. That part still sits with me.
One of the hardest things for me has been accepting myself as I am, let alone being able to like myself over the years.
I was always treated like I a nobody unless I made my mother happy, which explains why I have ended up having so many of the same relationships with different women.
My biggest mistake has been not fighting for my rights when I should have, since I didn't feel like I was worthy. My daughter is the one who paid for it.
I wish there was a way that I could make it up to her, and maybe there is, but it's one of the many things that I have to accept right now.
Thanks Randy. I truly get that, but think you can and will. The environment we grow up, our families, are responsible for how we feel about ourselves.
There is no getting away from that. They shape us without us realising we are being shaped into the people we become, but we can change and with it change our lives too.
Although our children may never understand us, or our difficulties in their entirety, I do think it doesn't help when the people in their lives, who were in our lives, have formed opinions on us.
Sadly, opinions stick and no matter hard we try those opinions don't change, unless those we care about come to see the light.
I understand you, understand your life, because in many respects although our circumstances and experiences are different, they are similar in many ways too.
Accepting yourself and your circumstances if the first step towards changing your perceptions Randy. And you can. I know you can.
You have a happy sense of self and it shows well. I believe it's contagious, because you have infected The CP Diary family with the same love and acceptance that you're experiencing now.
With your bravery, you have beat negativity, unapologetically.
Thanks Tim. That's kind. Yes, I am positive by nature. Even when things aren't positive, I still look at my disability positively and have accepted myself.
There may be the odd day when I'm not feeling it, but it's more about other people's reactions to my disability, than to me. Truthfully, not everyone good intentions is comfortable or knows how to help those with a disability.
I absolutely love my CP Diary friends and the support and haven we all have together here.