I continually lived with trauma as a child growing up with a disability I didn't know I had. With everything I’ve had to deal with over the years, and through the trauma of losing my twin in December 2022, I literally feel worn out, burned out. That's a lot of trauma. Burned out... a state of physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion, I am finding it hard to engage.
The child playing catch up
When I look back I find it difficult to believe this was my life. With a physical, mental and emotional disability I was always having to catch up and failed. I take comfort in the fact that I didn't fail me.
Aiming to please all the time just to fit in, to find a place, I should have already had that place. With a disability, I needed those around me to fit into my life, instead I spent a life trying to fit in to theirs. It didn't work and it was wrong.
I kept going
No matter the brick wall, I had to find a way to manoeuvre around it. It didn’t feel comfortable, but it was necessary if I was to break down the walls, the barriers. I had to find a place.
A disability
With cerebral palsy, the disability I didn't know I had, more doors have opened for me, more than they have closed. Would I choose to do the same thing around what I have done and achieved if I had my time again? Yes, no one should have to live with a disability they don't know they have.
I'm all burned out, but I'm still learning about me.
Losing a twin must be so difficult. Losing a twin after a life of emotional trauma, even more so. It's not surprising you're now feeling burned out.
In time, I have no doubt your strength and resilience will continue to grow even more and you will start to feel better. Taking time for you in the meantime is a good place to start.
I usually have something to call upon, to respond with. Not this time, it's too sensitive a subject. I think I'll leave this here with you.