Imagine waking up each morning and you face the school day, knowing the day will be spent in classrooms trying to get to grips with learning, but deep-down you know you're going to fail. For most schoolchildren, school is a place of growth, where each day is a step of learning, a place to learn, to mentally and emotionally grow, a place to move forward, a place to achieve – but for me it was a daily struggle, a relentless reminder of what I couldn't grasp.

Nursery School

From nursery school, aged three, the world started speaking the language of learning to others, but no matter how hard I tried, I failed to grasp even the basic concepts of learning. I failed to understand my circumstances that I had learning difficulties in the shape of autism. Although that is how it was for me – not everyone with autism fails. It's the first time I have been so candid about my learning in my writing. Where my medical team suspected I may have retardation, my teachers were aware something was amiss. In the 1960s, the term "retardation" was commonly used for those with learning difficulties — a term, thankfully no longer in use today.

The Concept of 'Learning'

The concept of "learning" is supposed to be universal, but what happens when it doesn’t come? For me, school became a place of confusion, an institution that spoke a language that felt foreign, no matter how hard I tried to learn, to understand. Year after year, I faced the same struggles, the same judgments – that seemed to linger the more I struggled. Each school report was a tally of low marks – evident I was failing, each parent-teacher meeting a reminder of me also failing.

Everywhere, others seemed to move forward. I was trying, I knew I was, but that effort seemed invisible to those who evaluated and often silently criticised my abilities without understanding the real reasons why. The teachers were concerned with continued reminders of what should have been possible with me, what others my age were routinely doing and achieving.

Enrolling in College

At sixteen I was enrolled in college, a course I didn't want to do. But it was a chance to redefine myself. But instead of freedom, my struggles with learning only deepened. The expectations had risen, yet the familiar feeling of inadequacy was as strong as ever. Each attempt to engage with new material was met with the same brick walls. Classmates automatically delved in, keen to learn and have fun, to have the freedom to choose how they navigated college, but for me, the future seemed like an extension of the past: more attempts, more failures and more judgment.

Institutions Are Structured For the Majority

Even today in 2024, institutions are often structured for the majority, for those who learn within a certain framework, for students who understand in specific, measurable ways. And while society still preaches support and inclusion, covering expectations that are unchanged, it still leaves little room for the slow learners, for those who need more time, more patience. In the eyes of these institutions, learning has a timeline and deviation from that timeline is often misunderstood as a lack of effort.

My Journey Is 'On-going'

For me, the journey is ongoing. It’s not that I lack the desire to learn, or even the ability in that sense. My brain works differently, I absorb knowledge in ways that defy traditional schooling, yet placed differently because people don't care to change and to understand me. It's not even about a lack of understanding, because society is more aware of difference – and yet it's a burden we continue to carry alone, a weight that, ironically, no lesson or textbook has taught us how to deal with.

Conclusion

The judgment that should have been replaced with understanding and support, has for now, become a part of the background noise, blending with the voices of people who were supposed to help. But each day is a new chance – and somewhere there is that support – that others will finally resonate with us – that proves to us those years of silent effort weren’t wasted after all.