There is no getting away from the fact that a diagnosis around the age of 2 of cerebral palsy, over the years there are those players who were by the very definition of knowing my diagnosis before me were complicit in deceit.
I’m not sure what’s worse, someone or others being complicit in deceit on something we’re not made aware of and should have been, or us having to live with the connotations of not knowing that something and having to endure that thing.
But things can never entirely be hidden, for those who are complicit in deceit. When the universe expects something to happen and others try to hide what they know, the universe conspires to balance and correct.
I was frustrated because I wanted to know about my disability and yet as many times as I tried, equally as many times the door closed behind me, leaving me with yet more frustration that turned into anger and my continually being blamed over things, because I was angry.
Living with a disability didn’t come without its difficulties. Being exposed was difficult. Where trust is the foundation, that didn’t happen. Trust is the backbone to relationships. But when it comes to family, we don't always have a choice.
In one of my earlier blogs I talk about living a lie. Knowing what I know, my life continues to based on lies. Being open and honest brings trust.
Now that is a great term to use, since I think it makes it so much worse knowing that people knew what was going on but chose not to do anything about it.
I was watching 60 Minutes and they had a segment about grandparents taking care of their grandchildren whose parents were drug addicts and it made me wonder why it was that mine didn't do the same thing.
There wasn't any way that they couldn't have known, since it should have been so glaringly obvious when my mother was always asking them for money and they forced us to visit so often. We were forced to live the lie too always having to pretend like everything was great, when life at home was a nightmare and that still haunts me.
What kind of parents do that to their own children? How much worse is it when it seems like the family is complicit too in acting like they don't really know what is going on?
Only one person ever gave me any kind of explanation and that was my uncle's son my dad's side, who said that most of the time they didn't even know where we were. Part of me almost believes it, since we did move around a lot and we were living 2500 miles away but still, they could have done something.
Both of us grew up in a time when it was a lot easier for people to get away with neglecting their children, which is truly very sad, but something that can't be changed.
People keep saying that I have to accept this, but that doesn't mean I have to like it, since it wasn't very fair for both of us to be forced to live our lives the way we were made to live.
Thanks Randy. Yes, you're right. It is what it is and neither of us can change that. But we can make ourselves stronger and move on with our lives so that we're not living in the past.
I think that does need to happen. But it needs work from us. There is no point going over something we can't change.
But what happens to us not only changes our thinking, but can change our lives too. Our experiences make us stronger and being stronger means we're less likely to tolerate that kind of behaviour again.
You know so much about your life, about your mum particularly, about your siblings, about your extended family enough now to form your own opinions with a view to moving on.
As you say, we don't have to like it, but it helps if we learn to accept it. In accepting it, others must accept their part too, they're not exempt. That in a way should make it easier.
Your life wasn't a lie. But you saved yourself from choking to death on lies, lies that made your world overly complicated.
But you grew strong and wise, in the same place where nothing but weeds used to grow. That's the truth Ilana.
Thanks Tim. I love your analogy. Now you've explained I understand why this wasn't my lie, but their lie.
This is why what we all bring to the site works. What you've given me feels more like closure.
I agree with Tim. Your life wasn't a lie but the lives of those around you were. Trust broken like that can never be repaired.
Thanks. Yes, I agree on both. Unless of course, those responsible and who had a hand in it apologise, and that has never happened.