It's been just over a week since I moved to a new home, starting a new chapter in my life, and now the reality of my separation from my twin is beginning to sink in. For the first time, I feel the weight of being alone. When I was still in my old home, and close to my twin, the distance between us felt small. But here, in this unfamiliar place, the separation now feels much deeper.

Every corner of my move in a new open-space, holds new challenges – and I’m navigating it with autism and without my twin. It's surreal, almost like stepping into a life that doesn’t quite feel like mine. Every day I am reminded she's not here.

A Mix of Emotions

There’s a mix of emotions – daunting for this new chapter, sadness for the loss and a strange sense of independence that I'm not ready for. A part of me is struggling with the fact that, for the first time, I’m separate from her. Without my twin, I’m starting to understand just how much my relationship with her, shaped me and our lives together.

Learning to live my own life

I know this feeling is all part of the process, it feels overwhelming at times. Part of learning to live my own life, to stand on my own two feet. I’m not sure how long it will take for the overwhelming sense of being alone to start to fade. But for now, I’m here, feeling everything deeply, and trying to make sense of it all.

Grief is a deeply personal experience and while this is how it affects me, I wonder how it has shaped your own journey after losing a loved one. How have you managed to navigate through such a profound loss?

Ilana Estelle is a mental health and wellbeing advocate who combines educational insight with her personal experience of living with physical, mental, and emotional disabilities. She holds diplomas in Counselling, Diet and Nutrition, Nutritional Therapy, Psychotherapy and Counselling, and Stress Management. Through her writing, Ilana supports others in navigating their emotional, mental, and physical health challenges. In addition to writing for The CP Diary, her work has appeared in healthy lifestyle magazines. Ilana is also the author of three books: Cerebral Palsy: A Story – Finding the Calm After the Storm, Spirituality, Healing and Me, and Survival: The Covid Years – Time for Change.

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