I’ve often heard people say when someone close dies, a part of them dies with them. I understand and can resonate with their thinking, with their words. We all have our struggles, it's life, there's no getting away from them. If we were all honest with ourselves, we would admit to our own 'Elements of Struggle' and deal with those.

So, losing my twin has been enormously difficult and is different to losing my parents. When my parents passed, they were older than my twin, they'd lived longer lives and I was able to bring an acceptance on that.

When mum died first, the first part of my safety net was removed. It felt scary, but I took some comfort because my father was still alive. With my twin that net is now completely removed. I've never lived my life as a single person. I didn’t know how I would feel after she’d gone. With her loss, there are elements of struggle.

It's coming up to 3 months now, and I need to continue to work on my mental health. The days are long, the nights are even longer. Alone with my thoughts, as I struggle to go to sleep, I sometimes feel alone, out of my depth and panicked, revisiting old thoughts, currently unsure of my next move.

She was my twin. It is our birthday this month. I’m too young to live my life without her, that part is scary and very much a challenge.

Ilana Estelle is a mental health and wellbeing advocate who combines educational insight with her personal experience of living with physical, mental, and emotional disabilities. She holds diplomas in Counselling, Diet and Nutrition, Nutritional Therapy, Psychotherapy and Counselling, and Stress Management. Through her writing, Ilana supports others in navigating their emotional, mental, and physical health challenges. In addition to writing for The CP Diary, her work has appeared in healthy lifestyle magazines. Ilana is also the author of three books: Cerebral Palsy: A Story – Finding the Calm After the Storm, Spirituality, Healing and Me, and Survival: The Covid Years – Time for Change.

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