I am still feeling overwhelmed due to a combination of factors, including sensory overload and the challenges that come with a mental disability and how I can fit into that, and getting to grips with the loss of my twin, which is taking time.

Grief and Sensory Overload

Grief and sensory overload through autism can be incredibly debilitating. It's like my senses are constantly screaming for attention, making it hard for me to focus on anything. I need to acknowledge external influences, couple that with the loss of my twin, also moving to a new home, and starting a new life without her. Although the loss of my twin isn't so recent, and moving house is, losing her feels like it happened yesterday, and that feeling isn't abating.

I'm in a catch 22. With autism, I have anxiety and the anxiety I have causes me stress that affects all my thoughts. When my thoughts are affected, it makes it difficult for me to focus on anything other than stress and anxiety – and the more I focus on stress and anxiety, the more anxiety I have – and the more stressful the situation the more anxiety I have. External influences, like Brexit and the pandemic, both ongoing situations, together with sensory overload, are contributing factors of why my anxiety remains fixed.

Moving is a fresh start

I know that moving house has been a fresh start, but it has also been unsettling. It's an opportunity to create a new routine that works for me, leaving my past behind. While it is taking time to settle in, I know the tranquility I'm craving for, in the longer term will be there, but I need to learn to block out personal and external influences that cause me anxiety, the influences I have no control over, because those are making me feel rather anxious and jittery.

Conclusion

I need to find meaning through the loss, to reflect on what losing my twin is trying to teach me. Finding meaning isn't about rushing 'grief' through and forcing positivity, it's about finding meaning and clarity with more ease.